Normally spending time with other people gives me an opportunity to learn about them however this past weekend I learned more about myself than the person I spent the time with. Friday morning my former manager was at work when I arrived. For the better part of an hour I was the captive audience sitting on a wooden chair while she enumerated my offenses. This past weekend I realized that I should have quit the day she threatened to slap me but at that time I was thinking that I had bills to pay and my family needed health insurance.

Thursday morning my job interview went well until I started crying. This past weekend I spent some time crying in public and I think one of the things that I haven't understood clearly in the past is what taking good care of myself really means. Saturday evening my friend had a great opportunity to see what the company I formerly worked for me was like when I took him to the mall. After we left he told me that while I am good at my job in terms of product knowledge I failed as an employee because I never realized that what I was really doing was undermining the company I worked for.

My friend told me that I don't deal well with incompetence and while a sledgehammer has its place among my social tools I should be careful about how often and when I decide to pull it out. The funny thing about me is when I'm dealing with customers I can be sensitive and empathetic however as soon as I'm confronted with a disorganized stock room or find that shoes have been organized by box color instead of size I lose my ability to see things from their point of view. That was the difficult part of this daylog, now I can tell you that I am excited to start my new job as a customer service representative.

Already I like my new HR manager although I was sure I wasn't going to get a job offer after I started crying in her office. The cool thing about her is she told me that I was in a safe place, she handed me some tissues and then she asked if I was going to be okay before she offered to take me on a tour. A couple weeks ago a man with neuropathy came in wearing a brand of shoes I was unfamiliar with. Not long after the guy who will be my new manager bought a pair of shoes from me. When the HR woman told me that normally people in my position interview with him he had told her that he knew another side of me and he wanted her to spend some time getting to know me better.

The company I'm going to be representing has the largest lab in the United States. I always knew there was another level to footwear and the opportunity to work with a man who can get people out of wheelchairs is something I am looking forward to. Before my interview started I had to fill out a job application. While I was doing that I listened to the people congregating in the reception area. The company has been growing exponentially, they're running out of room which creates some problems however is still a good problem to have.

While I am looking forward to a new job in a better environment one of the downsides of the job is it is further away from where I live now. August 1, 2010 was my thirteenth wedding anniversary. That day my husband told me he was more out of the marriage than in and while things have been better than they've been in the past it looks like he's moved on and I should too. Thinking about moving out and being away from my children has been very difficult for me. I won't be making very much money so wherever I live will probably not be anything like what they are used to.

Growing up my parents broke up long periods of hostile silence with bitter ugly fights. While no relationship is perfect I think that my husband and I have been better about not discussing our personal differences of opinion in front of the girls. It tears at my heart to think about coming home to a quiet place where they haven't strewn books and papers around however I don't want to be one of those women who stays in an unhealthy relationship just because she has children she doesn't want to upset.

This past summer I've been appreciating the people that my children are growing into. Watching their personalities unfold hurts a little because I can see some of the problems they're going to be dealing with however I can't protect them and hopefully we as parents are helping equip them with the resources they need so they are able to deal with whatever life hands them. The past two days were full of unexpected lessons relating to my personal enlightenment. Apparently I have a hard time seeing the world the way others see it which is why I have to be careful about what I say, how I say it and I need to start thinking more about how other people may be perceiving things.

For some people epic moments in their life are accompanied by large and important events, for me it was a series of simple meals coupled with a sunny spot at the park where small children were free to run through the water. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few days. In the future I'm going to run back through that final meal of warm soup, cool water and bright, sweet cucumber salad. I won't be able to retain everything I learned this weekend however now I know that a small nurturing meal can go a long way to restoring depleted emotional reserves. I owe a lot to the people I choose to have in my life. If you are one of my friends hopefully you'll read this and realize that I can't always say the words that explain how I really feel.

I’ve been going to Bikram yoga for almost two weeks now.  Some times it’s hard to muster up the energy to go, some times it’s much more appealing to go home, work on the bike and have some beer.  It’s always rewarding when I do go to practice, though.  It can be difficult some times, but other days it’s easy-peasy and feels great.  

I always leave class with a clear mind and feeling refreshed.  My favorite part is getting to be when we finish the last pose and can lay down and relax for a few minutes.  It is time to think, utilizing the clear mind that I’ve built over the last hour and a half.

My time to think today lead me to the following understanding, as well as I can write it down, at least:
  • All things are connected.
  • In yoga, a process takes place.  First, we listen, then we act, then we understand.  Wash, rinse, repeat... something like that.  
  • As we gain experience with each pose, we begin to understand it.  We learn how to go deeper into it, how to move our bodies effectively and efficiently.
  • As we become expert at each pose, we can put more and more energy into a single action.  We learn where to focus our attention to complete the  pose.  
  • As we can put more energy into a single action, knowing by experience that we are acting correctly, we move toward single pointed thought.  Our mind is calm but exerted fully.
  • At this point, we see past the noise and chaos that we experienced as we learned the pose.  From the (eventually) single point where we put all our energy, we gain perspective on the rest of life and our minds.  We see the relationship between our action and other distant things in our minds or our lives.


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