Some churches are basically encounter sessions with a nice little speech given by the "let's get real/can we talk" pastor. They encourage people to engage in what amounts to public spiritual masturbation and call it "testimony". 

Some people from groups like that mock how churches like mine have a very explicit, very deliberate, very same ritual week in, week out. The church year changes with the seasons, and the year A through D do readings through the entire Bible on the same themes. At the end of four years you've gone through most of it, always through the same structure of liturgy. If you go to a church like that long enough, you don't need the book of common prayer. Though you couldn't write out the entire Nicene Creed out if your life depended on it, once people start saying it, you don't need to read the words, they just flow.

It's a main reason why people hate changes to the rituals, and why people still say "and also with you" rather than "and with thy spirit". 

There's another wisdom in doing this. Some days you can't pray. Some days you have nothing to offer God except your brokenness and your sorrow, your loneliness and your guilt. Some days you don't stand at the altar administering wine, or process with a candle, or sit in the pews, you sit in the balcony, unnoticed, keeping the uncontrollable crying inaudible and private.

Some days, you just show up. You just go through the motions. Because that's all you can do.

But every now and then, the words naturally come, on autopilot.

"Most merciful God

we confess that we have sinned against thee
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone."

Went to bed early last night which was a good move. Woke up around three and then later, but managed to stay in bed both times. My youngest came and snuggled with me for a few minutes before we got up to start getting ready for school. I was exhausted when I went to bed so I had Jane finish making the chicken. She didn't want to, but all she had to do was pull it out of the oven when it was finished. I helped her get it ready which consisted of taking it out of the package and sprinkling some salt and pepper on it. After it was unwrapped she put the plastic on the counter and wiped her hands on the towel. Hopefully she's never seen me do either of those things, I forgot that I know more than the girls do and need to be more patient and understanding instead of frustrated and impatient.

A friend of mine has a daughter who only has one functional kidney. Last night he was at the hospital with her for four hours getting her treatment for an infection she has. I felt so bad for both of them. That kind of thing is never fun and can be very scary. Yesterday I learned that a casual friend of mine passed away. I remember him coming onto Twitter and announcing that he had been diagnosed with a blood disorder and wouldn't be logging in ever again. I learned of his passing from his family who posted a tweet saying that he had loved his friends. It was kind of funny since I had been thinking about him a week or so ago and wondering what had happened to him.

In other news I'm working on my resume since Jessica needs a job. I would be in trouble if anything happened to my car or I had a major unforeseen financial expense and the thing about life is that's a when not an if type situation. Gander Mountain is looking for a part time footwear person. It's commissioned based sales which is fine, I know how to sell. When I went there their sock inventory had been cleaned out so that's something I would have to deal with if I worked there. I can probably learn how to fill in for other departments as well. I've looked around for some other jobs. I could find something 'better', I'm not really sure what to do, I'm reluctant to get another desk job as I have a hard time sitting still, but that means less money. I'll figure it out, just have to get over this current ambivalence. My support group is meeting today, good topic to discuss with them I think. 

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