Took two sleeping pills last night since I stayed up later than I should have. I'm kind of mad at myself for lacking discipline although I feel like I'm better in many areas than I have been in the past. My neighbor had called to see if I was still going to make good on my offer to watch her kids. They came over and my kids were snotty disinterested brats who were sulky because they had to entertain two smaller children for an hour or so. I know I've modeled some of that behavior for them which is shame on me. I need to stop worrying so much and thinking too hard about things. I read the RedOmega log from March 29, 2016 and was happy to see some of my own thoughts echoed there.
Yesterday I went to the bank and pulled out some cash. Sticking to a budget is really hard for me. I want to go out and experience things and not be limited by financial constraints. Getting a job will help. I know I need one, I can apply for a part time footwear position at Gander Mountain and make some money that way if I get the job. Half of me feels like working part time is the way to go, another side of me tells me that this is another job I'm going to be very over qualified for and people aren't going to appreciate what I'm worth or pay me adequately to do what I do. I went in and got my hair evened out yesterday. Growing my hair out always stresses me out. I felt better about it when it was shorter, but suspect that's a control thing.
Last week I did an interview for a guy who called out of the blue to tell me he was free at that moment if I was ready. I was eating breakfast at the time. Something about him had been bothering me ever since I met him and he requested an interview, but didn't follow me. I should have trusted my gut that something was off. Last night a friend of mine told me that he was playing hard to get. Mind games like that are uncool in my book. I'm annoyed with myself for falling into his trap, he reminds me of my ex and that made me feel lousy about what I'm doing on Twitter with the interviews. It was a great lesson to learn, I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I see that behavior and can sidestep the psychological trap.
The library has some books on hold for me. I could have stopped yesterday or the day before, but didn't which also annoys me about myself. I didn't get the start I had wanted because I was goofing around on Twitter. Some of that is okay and fun, but I found myself sinking into a vortex of my own creation. I need to set better limits for myself and others. I need to figure out how much time I want to be spending online and stick to that for the most part. I started reading a book called Speed Decorating by Jill Vegas. I tend to pick up books, read a few pages and then set them down. Reading is something I've neglected, I should say reading something in its entirety is something I have a problem with, need to be less distracted and more focused so I can enjoy the books I have and check out.
I learned some things about myself yesterday. Self discovery can be a painful process, I feel thin skinned and emotionally raw. Last night I talked to the guy I like for half an hour. I felt like he would rather not have been talking to me which wasn't the best of feelings, he sent me some pictures on Twitter which did make me feel good. I'm used to asking the questions so it felt a bit as if the tables had been turned on me when he was trying to ask me how things were going. Next time I'm going to be up front and tell people that I need emotional support and encouragement, I didn't realize that at the time which is okay, knowing yourself seems to be an elusive undertaking despite progress made. The next step is action and then the reward, I'm really looking forward to treating myself to something after I achieve some of my goals.