There is still some shouting going on
And tears

I remember to
listen to my breathing
and it slows

The sparrow in the camillia bush
Beside my door
Feels so safe that she chirps and chirps
Even as I walk up the steps
And stand there

I stand at my blue door
Key in hand

The cats welcome me

I am slicing mushrooms
I slow down

I pick each up slowly

I hold each mushroom with the knife resting on it
for a moment
before I slice it

I savor
these moments

92

It is 2:06AM and I have not been sleeping well this week and I am running on maybe four hours altogether for the past few days but that's okay because I'm used to it or at least I'm used to doing it sometimes and around this time - actually, no, it was in mid-July - last year I was pacing around the entire campus of the camp I work at and avoiding people at two in the morning because I couldn't sleep what with all the grass and the mosquitos and the fact that I was sleeping outside without blankets or a mattress or a tent or a tarp for some reason - instead of in my bunk in my cabin - so instead I was doing laps around the four acre camp and listening to all the crickets which is just like tonight except the crickets all have a name and that name is tinnitus and I am playing slow piano music with some baritone singing loudly enough to try and drain out the ringing from my ears AND IT ISN'T WORKING because I live in a house with two other people who would object if my music woke them up even though they went to bed at ten and will complain to me tomorrow morning that they woke up around four and mentally I will be screaming "oh really that's when I went to sleep" and secretly thinking about the thing I was reading instead of sleeping - about how you can tell someone's sexuality from the way his hair spirals - and thinking about that guy who I want to make a move on but I'm not open and neither is he even though literally everyone knows about him and I'm paranoid that everyone knows about me but tonight I don't even want to go to sleep I just know I should just like I should drink eight glasses of water a day and I should be more productive and I should just stop lying to everyone but I can't make myself be honest yet and I'm having waking nightmares about standing on a corner in some town that looks like a cross between Syracuse and New York City - especially a mix of the projects and Times Square - and watching the cute guy who just smiled at me get jumped by random passerby and watching him blame me and suddenly he's being dragged past me and QUICK which way does his hair spiral and I have no idea what any of that means and I don't even know if I think that dreams mean anything at all and meanwhile the man in my iPhone singing over the piano music is screaming "SLEEP NOW, CAN WE SLEEP NOW?" and I'm silently screaming along with him because it is now 2:19 in the morning and I am already just fucking done with today.

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