Not sure why I'm even posting this, but that's why such things are hidden, right? I made a mistake today. Not a usual fuck up, that's rarely enough. I finally pushed someone away, for issues they had and my inability to deal with them. No contempt, it went as decently as these things can. It was only a few hours later that I realized the scale of my mistake. I've now pushed away the sole person who would listen to and help me to sort my demons. I can't go back though. Too late it feels like, and I know I had legitimate reasons for leaving, but I still wish it hadn't gone this way. Sadists and lovers of schadenfreude take note, I'm in for a spiral, and it will undoubtedly start to show soon.

Today I was offered brutally honest communication. That is, he promised to be brutally honest about his thoughts around our communications.

I'm not finding it very appealing, to be murderously frank. And now I'm finding it funny, to be cadaverously clear.

So even though I still have times where I cry unreasonable buckets, my sense of humor is occasionally back. My sense of the silly and the ridiculous. I miss my sis who would have riffed on this, but I got to bike with my daughter and niece after work today.

I dreamed that I was taking two cars and a dump truck on a ferry, going home. With only one other driver. There were two bikes on the smallest car. I went back to get chairs to put in the car with the bikes, but the chairs had been stolen. I brought a heavy and ornate sink instead. I thought that I didn't need it, but when I got to the other side, I could trade it for what I did need. I also thought it was silly to have three vehicles but the dump truck was going to be really useful for heavy work. It was one of the huge construction ones with tires my height, but I was perfectly confident driving it. At the end of the dream I'd talked the vehicles onto the ferry by pointing out that it would be more of a pain if they just sat in the lot obstructing things. We were on the other side and I needed to go have tea with a family member.

I woke up, thinking about tea and the phrase "everything but the kitchen sink". However, I only took the sink. Aside from the sink and the two bikes, the cars and dump truck were empty. There was no baggage in any of them.

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