I. Thou shalt hold thy country above all others, to the point of killing in ideological wars, especially if there be a profit in it. Thou shalt not take any actions to tarnish the American economic system. Such actions include, but are not limited to: forming unions, taxing corporations, and placing fair trade over free trade.

II. Thou shalt buy beautiful things from Pottery Barn for thy visitors to admire.

III. Thou shalt not use foul language unless thou is very sure the FCC is not listening.

IV. Remember the first Tuesday after the first Monday in September of an even numbered year and keep it holy unless, of course, thy employer wisheth that you remain at work.

V. Thou shalt honor your Constitution. We shall know thou hast done a good job if thou talks about honoring the Constitution a lot.

VI. Thou shalt not murder. If thou must murder, thou shalt be very famous or hire a very good lawyer.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless so desired. Again, if thou chooseth to commit adultery, thou shalt hire a very good divorce lawyer. Also: sign a watertight prenuptial agreement.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, even if hungry and thy neighbor is fattened.

IX. Thou shalt fight to maintain the Electoral College. It makes perfect sense.

X. Thou shalt covet copiously, for if no one coveted anything, where would advertisers get their material?

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