I wonder if I should write this daylog on this date, or on
yesterday's, because I have not yet been to sleep. I got
online at 11 pm last night, and now it is 5:41 am, and I am nowhere near sleep. And I have an appointment at 10 this morning to fix the
computer of a woman at my
church.
I have had a faith in God for as long as I can remember. It started before I knew it ever existed, blossomed in my pre-teen years, and became more mature and serious when I was in college. And I don't know what to make of it all right now.
Spiritual rapist, I call people like this. Like the Calvinist I talked to for hours, attempting to decimate my faith in a loving God who loved us enough to give us free will yet redemption, and replace Him with one who would eternally damn the innocent to set an example, and replace us with puppets who are here -- in the words of this guy -- for God's entertainment. And we're not supposed to question this, either.
What the fuck would Jesus do?
During our conversation and afterwards, I found myself getting very angry with this God I thought I knew. Calling him a sadist. Accusing him of breaking what I thought were unbreakable promises. Who wants to be the adopted child of an abusive father who hated us even though he made us? Is God's love really conditional, upon a condition that we cannot even choose?
But then it would surge back: No. This CANNOT be the way it is. We love because He first loved us.
I am angry. At God, if that's the cold, harsh reality of things. But moreso, at myself, because I'm so easily swayed, too open-minded; why can I not stand my ground? I do have my own thoughts and opinions. Why can I not articulate them in the face of someone like this?
I remember four years ago, another conversation I had about religion that changed my life. It was with a classmate who was Sikh; I had never heard of a worldview such as his before. I felt like the universe was opening up... that I saw so much more, and I was smaller in the whole Scheme of Things, and was scared. This time I feel it closing, being suffocated with the beliefs I thought I had left behind long ago.
Some will say, That is what religion does to you! Come out of it and free your mind. But I cannot. My faith is at the core of my being, but how is it being shaken so?
The only prayer I have left is, "God, please don't let me lose you."