Gasping, not because
I cannot breathe, but because
every time I'm not inhaling
exhaling
inhaling there is a rushing noise and it's not in my
ears where you usually hear things and it's not in my
brain like pain but it's a pressure pulsing in beats,
surrounding my head like a
viscous membrane and
pulsing,
breathe.
I have grown if not accustomed at least expectant of
these moments, and still I sometimes surprise myself,
but I drag on the air like it is a cigarrette, I will
expand my lungs with heavy sighing and the pounding will
hurt my internal ear pressure, I will drink water and
swallow and try to laugh at myself and then go back to
inhale exhale inhale.
It has never happened,
(or it was so insignificant that I do not recall
) that I will have a panic attack with someone else nearby. Last night it did, and I just stopped,
(scared) and breathed. And shook my
head (that never works) and breathed, my fingers
gripping the edge of the table and my mind racing to
figure out why it was telling my heart to race and why I
was panicked.
The girl I'd been talking to
looked at me, as I reached conclusions I
did not want to reach, conclusions about people I was
leaving to see, people I'd been thinking about while I
was talking to her. The pounding didn't subside and I
couldn't explain it to her, I just kept breathing and
picked up my bag and left.