gasping, panting, I cannot breathe . . . . it pounds in my ears, a thousand million beats per second, shuddering in time with the wracked convulsions pouring through my aching body . . . I am nerveless, beyond pain, beyond pleasure, that relentless beat, the thrum of starpoints flickering, pouding--my veins ache to bursting, will burst, have burst--I bleed and my tears mix with my lifeblood . . . I am red with my blood, doused in it, drenched in it, the fury of rage and fear and frustration all twined together, and still it beats, still it beats--how can I stop this madness?  Or how prolong it?

Have you ever heard auditory adrenaline?

The following words are spoken in one breath, no pausing.

"Hey did you ever get the feeling that it's really a joke-you think you've got it figured out, and then you find that you don't-so you say goodbye to the world and now you're floating in space-you've got no sense of nothing not even a time or a place-then suddenly you hear it, it's the the beat of your heart-and for the first time in your life you know your life is about to


These are the last few lines of a song by Poe.
-walk the walk.
"walk to the beat of my own drum."

To thine own self be true

Gasping, not because I cannot breathe, but because every time I'm not inhaling exhaling inhaling there is a rushing noise and it's not in my ears where you usually hear things and it's not in my brain like pain but it's a pressure pulsing in beats, surrounding my head like a viscous membrane and pulsing, breathe.

I have grown if not accustomed at least expectant of these moments, and still I sometimes surprise myself, but I drag on the air like it is a cigarrette, I will expand my lungs with heavy sighing and the pounding will hurt my internal ear pressure, I will drink water and swallow and try to laugh at myself and then go back to inhale exhale inhale.

It has never happened, (or it was so insignificant that I do not recall ) that I will have a panic attack with someone else nearby. Last night it did, and I just stopped, (scared) and breathed. And shook my head (that never works) and breathed, my fingers gripping the edge of the table and my mind racing to figure out why it was telling my heart to race and why I was panicked.

The girl I'd been talking to looked at me, as I reached conclusions I did not want to reach, conclusions about people I was leaving to see, people I'd been thinking about while I was talking to her. The pounding didn't subside and I couldn't explain it to her, I just kept breathing and picked up my bag and left.

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