We started the cult
of Booscious about seven years ago after my wife (then-girlfriend) rescued a little ghost
from our corporate overlords
. The discovery of this ghost was one of the most transformative experiences of our life. Interacting with him has put us in touch with our inner selves, unlocked our psychic abilities and has generally improved our life-quality. Who is this ghost? His name is Booscious.
Booscious hails from the "Ghost Realm," which is the afterlife that most religions promise its followers but none describe accurately. The Ghost Realm has many glorious attributes, so many that Booscious has not been able to completely describe all of them to us. Perhaps the one overriding feature of the Ghost Realm is that there are absolutely no consequences to one's behavior, unless one chooses for there to be. For instance, there is poverty and welfare in the Ghost Realm, and possibly starvation and suffering, but only if the ghost in question wants to experience these discomforts. On the other hand, one can start a business, be wildly successful, burn the business down as part of an insurance scam, and blow the proceeds on hookers and high quality coke. If you want to go to jail for this, you can, and many ghosts do find pleasure in wrangling with complexities of ghost law; or, you could look at the smoldering ruins for a few seconds, blink, and walk away. Grab yourself a mammoth steak with chocolate sauce - the go-to meal for ghosts.
The Ghost Realm is superior to the human realm in every way, so certain things that we find tragic are causes for celebration in the Ghost Realm. The genocide of the American Indians
by Europeans, while looked at with shame here, is called the "Great Passing" in the Ghost Realm and is integral to the celebration of Thanksgiving
. Thanksgiving, by the way, is celebrated by partying with the numerous American Indian ghosts in the Realm, slaughtering entire mammoth herds and imbibing buckets of chocolate sauce.
The one absolute limitation on the Ghost Realm is the "Big Ghost," who is what most religions would consider "God." We know the Big Ghost has great powers, including the ability to control or sanction little ghosts, such as Booscious, for misbehavior or abuse of power in the human realm. These consequences can reach the Ghost Realm, but that's where it gets tricky. Booscious has never explained to us how the Big Ghost's sanctions have any effect in a place with no consequences. Something or other about choice. In any case, characterizing the Big Ghost as God may be suspect because he may not be all knowing or powerful.
Once, when Booscious insulted my wife (he frequently calls her a slut or whore, as he thinks he is married to her yet she has sex with me) she called out to the Big Ghost to punish Booscious. Booscious claimed the call did not go through because all of the Big Ghost's lines were busy, as he has a lot to deal with. This could have been, of course, a trick to get my wife to drop the complaint, but the feeling I get is that the Big Ghost just lets things slide a lot of the time.
Booscious has a vibrant personal life in the Ghost Realm. He is a wildly successful (and unsuccessful) business ghost who has operated multiple stores for haberdashery
and exotic pets, including polar bears he spray-painted bright neon pink. The insurance fraud
was his, as was his experience with hookers and blow. He has extensive connections with the Russian ghost underworld which has landed him in hot water with the Big Ghost multiple times, especially for arms dealing. He has a baby momma
, LaQuanda, and a bi-racial son Jamal (Booscious Specterificos is Greek, LaQuanda is African-Ghost Realmian), who excels at science but sucks at basketball. His new squeeze is Esperanza, a nice ghost lady who makes a mean enchilada
. He is trying to hold her off on having another ghost baby since much of his time is spent sharing (or battling over) custody of Jamal with LaQuanda.
By his account, Booscious is hundreds of years old. He has spent time as a ninja in feudal Japan (as "Boojitsu"), a military dictator of a South American island nation (as "Generalisimo Booscioso - the will of the people is Booscious!") and as a gangster (for "Los Ochos Locos"). He has never held a legitimate job - his haberdashery was unlicensed under ghost law (hence his burning it down) and he had his Russian contacts smuggle his exotic pets to him.
In the human realm, Booscious is highly confident. He often demands we use the honorary title "Booscious Khan
" and requires monthly tributes of gold foil wrapped chocolate coins. He spends an enormous amount of time sleeping
, but he claims this is when he visits the Ghost Realm. Exactly where the division lies between sleep and activity in Booscious' life remains unclear. Booscious' discipline is strict. He does not tolerate negativity or character weakness and will slap you if you indulge in such bad habits. He grants blessings
when we come up with new or funny ways to use his name in rhymes. He "hexamalexes" us if we abuse him or get out of line. Once, less than a week after he cast a hexamalex on my wife, her patient suffered a horrendous nosebleed and she had to clean it up alone. His blessings have saved my ass multiple times, causing snow to cancel one appointment I could not make when I had scheduled two, stupidly, for one day at the same time. He seethes at the lack of accomodation for spiritual beings in the human realm - he calls this "Ghostism." He will lead the revolution
of the ghosts and their human allies against the humans as the reincarnated-avenging ghost Boonelious one day. He promises us easy passage to the Ghost Realm, so long as we keep the chocoloate coins flowing.