The Pro's favorite saying: "Hhhh. Fucked again."
A one-shot comic book created by writer Garth Ennis and artists Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti. It was published by Image Comics in August 2002. It's a funny comic, but it's got a serious side, too.
The Pro: "I don't know why you retards think I'd want to come play in your rubber room, but you have got the wrong woman. I've got the kid, a nine-hour shift at Denny's -- which I have to be at in about twenty minutes -- and a fun night of hand-jobs to look forward to. So fuck off and carry on smearing shit up the walls."
Here's the basic story: An alien observing the Earth makes a bet with his bored robot pal about the nature of human heroism -- that anyone given superpowers can, with the proper guidance, become a great hero. The test subject they pick for their wager: a hard-luck prostitute with a constantly-squawling baby and a run-down apartment. The hooker, who is never given a name outside of "The Pro", is certainly no Julia Roberts -- she's got pimples, skinned knees, cellulite on her butt, she shouts invective at almost everyone, is way ambivalent about her kid, and makes no apologies for her chosen profession, even though she admits she hates her job.
Speedo: "Do you know how many evil supervillain team-ups we've defeated? How often we've saved the world from some unspeakable cosmic menace?"
The Pro: "Shame you could never fix things so I didn't have to suck dick to feed my kid, isn't it?"
Nevertheless, she's superstrong, super-fast, invulnerable, and she can fly, so she is quickly granted membership in the League of Honor, which includes heroes like the Saint (a cheap knockoff of Superman), the Knight (Batman with a chainmail loincloth), the Squire (the Knight's boy sidekick), the Lady (a mostly clueless Wonder Woman clone), the Lime (a jive-talkin' jerk with a power ring), and Speedo (a speedster whose costume consists solely of sneakers, a Speedo swimsuit, and suspenders).
The Pro: "You're the one paid me to dress up like your little buddy there and do myself with one of those faggy fucking boomerangs you throw around!"
The Knight: "See? See? She's tearing this group apart with her lies and insinuations!"
The League of Honor and the Pro don't exactly mesh together. The League of Honor is always honorable, if a bit kinky, and spends most of its time in pointless battles with supervillains. The Pro smokes, curses, has trouble staying tucked into her costume, makes her big debut by pissing on a supervillain in front of all the UN's ambassadors, uses her powers to make more money ("Thousand blow-jobs a night; this super-speed's gonna make me a rich woman..."), and gets pissed about getting lectured for trying to make a real difference in people's lives. She helps a bunch of streetwalkers get revenge on an abusive john, she punches a guy's lower jaw off, she gives the Saint his first-ever blowjob (which causes a whole 'nother set of problems). The League members think she's an embarrassment (even more than Speedo's lack-of-costume, it seems) and want to kick her out of the group. Will the Pro ever get the chance to show that she's a real hero?
The Pro: "You goofs, whatever it is you think you're doing, you are no use to this world at all. You are a lousy example to people, you are not the kind of heroes they need, and you have nothing to do with the reality they have to live in. Because this is a harsh fucking place, and it is fucked to give people the idea that someone's coming riding to the rescue."
I thought this was a great comic. The story and dialogue are cool, many of the situations are howlingly funny, the characterizations are dead-on, and the ending is a solid winner. It should be noted that there's a very good reason why "The Pro" doesn't come with a Comics Code seal. If you're offended by partial nudity, blowjobs, breastfeeding, public urination, graphic violence, child endangerment, pantsless superheroes, superspeed masturbation, implied sodomy with implements ranging from strap-ons, baseball bats, and rolling pins to chainsaws, Christmas trees, and porcupines, or hookers in general, you should skip this one. But if you can handle some offensive stuff, pick it up. It's worth a read.
The Pro: "Next time I say fuck or cornhole or rim-job or cockcheese, try taking a look out the goddamn window. I've got fifty bucks says the world won't have stopped turning."