Bring on the aliens, the ninjas, the evil zombie pirates. Bring 'em on and keep 'em comin'! I've fought your kind before, and I always win! Just let me save my game and... what? You can't save your game here? Hardcore mode, eh? Fine, I can take that too!

I've logged more hours training for this day than I've technically spent awake in my entire life! I am the master of a thousand martial arts, I can do a 16-hit combo before you can even reach your triangle button to block! I can carry up to 16 weapons in my skimpy halter top and ready any one of them within five frames of animation!

You think you're so hot? That your predictably-timed bouncing fireballs will somehow impede my progress towards that giant toadstool in drag? Ha! Double-Ha! Your mother was a hamster!

Among my other 133+ skills, I can:
  • Drive any vehicle imaginable, space or earth-based
  • Hack into any computer or crack any security code after a simple proficiency check
  • Run tirelessly for as long as necessary
  • Jump to several times my own height, often flipping in mid-air just because
  • Survive many bullet wounds, with no detriment to my performance

These talents will really be quite useful when I'm saving the world from total destruction. All the rest of you sheep who picked on me in gym class will be prostrating yourselves at my feet after I single-handedly defeat the alien menace before the giant earth-shattering ray beam goes off, thus saving the planet and winning myself the favor of some hot chick or maybe two! When I walk off alone into the sunset to some bad MIDI techno, you'll think to yourself, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING". Yeah, I do, baby.

I do.

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