Bring on the aliens
, the ninjas
, the evil zombie pirates
. Bring 'em on and keep 'em comin'! I've fought your kind before, and I always win! Just let me save
my game and... what? You can't save your game here? Hardcore
mode, eh? Fine, I can take that too!
I've logged more hours training for this day than I've technically spent awake in my entire life! I am the master of a thousand martial arts
, I can do a 16-hit combo before you can even reach your triangle button
to block! I can carry up to 16 weapons in my skimpy halter top
and ready any one of them within five frames of animation!
You think you're so hot? That your predictably-timed bouncing fireballs
will somehow impede my progress towards that giant toadstool in drag? Ha! Double-Ha! Your mother was a hamster!
Among my other 133+
skills, I can:
- Drive any vehicle imaginable, space or earth-based
- Hack into any computer or crack any security code after a simple proficiency check
- Run tirelessly for as long as necessary
- Jump to several times my own height, often flipping in mid-air just because
- Survive many bullet wounds, with no detriment to my performance
will really be quite useful when I'm saving the world from total destruction
. All the rest of you sheep
who picked on me in gym class will be prostrating
yourselves at my feet after I single-handedly defeat the alien menace
before the giant earth-shattering ray beam goes off, thus saving the planet and winning myself the favor of some hot chick
or maybe two! When I walk off alone into the sunset
to some bad MIDI
techno, you'll think to yourself, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING
". Yeah, I do, baby.