(Something I wrote when I was seventeen)
Drinkin' is good... sex is good... but NOTHIN'S BETTER THAN ROCKING OUT.
(Okay... maybe not better than sex... but it's still pretty damn good.)
Okay. The fact of the matter is, chicks dig rock stars
... now, not all rock stars dig chicks, like that one guy... in that band... The Toadies
... I think he played bass
... I'm not sure...
ANYWAYS, back to the meat of the matter:
CHICKS DIG ROCKSTARS
Now, you can't be a wannabe-rockstar, wearin' yer badass Motorhead
t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, cruisin' in yer '83 Trans-Am
, with a sixer of Milwaukee's Beast
... not that kind of rockstar. A REAL rockstar.
With a band.
And a venue.
And a tinfoil-covered zucchini in yer patent-leather pants
And YOUR OWN FUCKING MATERIAL.
That kind of rockstar.
Just so you know.
Now, being a rockstar is not a simple career choice
. There are several things one must do before one can truly achieve rock stardom. Following is an outline, from day one.
Day One: The fledgling
rockstar must start out his career by getting into a band. The choice of who plays which instrument
in the band is important and shall be decided by the following factors:
1) The best looking member of the band should be the singer. He will be the frontman
and will, by trade, get the most pussy
. He will invariably
piss all of the members of the band off, his girlfriend will
cause the downfall of the rock behemoth
s, and he will have several side- and solo-project
s. These will either fail miserably or make the listening public
wonder what the fuck he was doing with those losers he used to be in a band with.
2) The member of the band that THINKS he will get the most pussy should be the guitar
player (although, in some instances this can also be the drummer
, see #4). This sad soul will, of course, be mistaken
. Usually the most arrogant
member of the group, and the one responsible for subjecting the listening public to such songs as:
You Broke My Love Cookie
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life
I Hate My Mother
I Fucked Satan Last Night (and he loved it)
My Right Hand Is My GirlFriend (My Left Hand Is My Mistress)
I'm Ben, and I Like Guns (And God)
I'm Ben, And I Hate Women (Do ya Wanna share my Sleeping Bag?)
Wang Dang, Sweet Poontang (In D minor)
Staple My Nuts And I'll Love You Forever
I'm So Pathetic...(Will You Go Down On Me?)
I'll Be Your Love Rhino
and finally, the power-ballad, BUSHWHACKIN'!!!
Sometimes, the guitar player
is ALSO the lead singer
. This rare rock entity should be avoided at all costs, as he is violent
, especially after concerts when the audience "Just Didn't Understand What He Was Trying To Say." He will have several side- and solo-projects. These will either fail miserably or make the listening public wonder what the fuck
he was doing with those losers he used to be in a band with.
3) The member of the band who plays guitar until they find someone better will eventually become the bass player
. Bass players usually have one of only two personalities:
Really cool, or
Complete, Unadulterated Madness
In the case that the bass player is also the lead singer, the band will fail. Miserably. Case Closed. (See Winger
) He will have several side- and solo-projects. These will either fail miserably
or make the listening public wonder what the fuck he was doing with those losers he used to be in a band with.
4) The member of the band who is the heaviest drinker
from the outset is always, without fail, the drummer. No exceptions. In GodRock bands, however, even if the drummer doesn't drink, he is always the one with the most severe vice, like 'The Guy Who Shits In Libraries
,' or 'The Guys Who Spanks It Like Curious George
,' or even 'The Guy Who Gets Off On Watching Train Wrecks,' since drinking isn't very Christian
are exempt from this exception.
DAY 2: GET FAMOUS
DAY 3: The Fall of The Titans
Early in any rockstar's career that is worth his salt, he will get involved in a scandal, usually involving sex, money
, money for sex, sex for drugs
, etc. This will either make the rockstar more
famous, or it will end his career... it's all in how you talk to the press
Well, that's it. Hope we've helped. Now get out there, and start rockin'.