Broadcast communication idiots, since the days of audio-over commentary, have continually made incorrect comparisons to ANYTHING resembling a chess match. This cliche' attempt to enhance the intelligence factor of a situation has got to calm down. There is a soft little embolism of sharp, horrible pain forming behind my eyelids from the continual attempt to refer to football playbook strategies or hockey board checking as 'incredibly technical displays of cunning and tactics, much like a grandmaster playing a chess game.' Shut the fuck up, you dimwitted little space monkey. Have you no idea the kind of power you have over a billion drunken fans hearing your play by plays?

As I write this, somewhere in America, a father is driving his four year old son to pee-wee football practice. Before the child exits the vehicle to happily run down touchdowns and hi five his little buddies, this father will tell his boy to 'go out there and tackle those other kids hard, just as if you were playing a chess game." Nice going dad. In a matter of a few fleeting seconds you have completely turned around the logistics of football and chess to your little boy, AND somehow made him 85% stupider than he was before you spoke.

I have also heard the relations of the game of chess to 'this-just-in' news reports. Damn you for cutting into my half hour of the Simpsons to tell me about a man holding some woman hostage in her own house. I have no doubt that S.W.A.T. will fully assess the situation and, after careful surveillance and mental profiling of the lunatic, will calmly and deftly propel an embarassing amount of lead into his exploding, fragmenting head and upper torso area. This in NO WAY resembles the tactics or strategies of playing chess. For any on-scene reporter to later say that, "S.W.A.T. went in there and, like a chess player checkmating his opponent, took down the target," is completely senseless to me. THOSE OFFICERS WEREN'T PLAYING CHESS. THEY WERE TOO BUSY SHOOTING THE FACE OFF OF THAT PSYCHO WITH THE SHOTGUN. You babbling lunatic reporters. God Damn you.

I have an almost spiritual respect for sports and over-hyped news coverage. Don't get me wrong, I'm a television/media whore like any other red blooded loser. But I also have an even higher respect for the game of chess and the techniques behind playing it. Stop using chess to describe everything. Don't think about it. Just do what I say. Thank you.

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