There we were, playing chess on the ever popular yahoo! games, just playing, playing.. I beat him. He said to me, "Oh the shame, I've lost to a Canadian, what will the Texans think of me?" (or something along those lines). I laughed, out loud even, because that was pretty funny, I thought.. I told him I was quite sure they'd probably send him to the electric chair, 'cause that's what Texas does. (We were just kidding, really..)

We decided to have another game, but I went into it half-heartedly, because my brain simply isn't used to such intense stimulation. His wasn't either, I knew this, and after the first couple of moves we decided that we'd alter the game a little, and see who could lose first. Well, this proved to be probably about a thousand times more difficult than winning, trying to figure out just what to do to make the other player take your pieces. It took even longer than a normal game probably would have.. and during the course of the little chess adventure, it got pretty hilarious. The comments we were making, that is.



It went even more off the handle than that, and became quite simply the most enjoyably ludicrous game of chess I've ever had in my entire life. He suggested it was too bad we couldn't pick the pieces up and smash them into eachother, chess warfare, you know? Just all the pieces in complete turmoil, beating the hell out of eachother! ...

I guess you had to be there.
To properly appreciate this you must be a Simpsons fanatic with a penchant for chess notation and a knowledge of the German Alphabet.

1. e4 ... 2. Ke2? Raise left eyebrow at opponent ... 3. Kd3? Raise right eyebrow at opponent ... 4-n. Kxn? Stand. Raise arms above head, relax wrists. Shake arms and shuffle about floor, saying "I'm a möniac, möniac, that's fer sure!"? ... until Y. Kxn? ...mate.

Ok, on second thoughts... this has been up a few days and the only response I've got is "Huh?" so here it is in English.

Move your King's pawn foward 2. Whatever your opponent does, they will not expect your next move! Move your King foward 1. Raise one eyebrow, so you look like you have a plan. For your next move, move your King diagonally out to the front of your pawn line. Raise your other eyebrow so you look surprised.
From then on, move your King back and forth in front of your pawn line doing that thing I said, which is the scene where Groundskeeper Willy goes insane.

This is the only opponent-independant move sequence known to humankind!

Actually, what hamster bong is referring to is called Suicide Chess, and is actually quite a challenge.

The goal of the game is to force the loss of all your pieces, while taking as few of your opponents pieces as possible.

Possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen in chess was during a local tournament a few years ago. I was there, but not involved in the actual incident. Fortunately, as you will see, I was several tables away.

There was a woman, or perhaps I should say a girl, who was well known for her aloofness and lack of sportsmanship. It was quite strange, since her playing ability did not warrant any arrogance at all. But I digress...

Said woman was matched against a local master who moved to the U.S. from Russia and never bothered to learn English. This entertaining fellow has great white tufts of hair coming out of his head in no particular order, and constantly mutters under his breath in Russian. He is among my favorite players to watch.

The woman played on in a clearly lost position, and dragged out the time on her clock. According to the laws of chess, this is legal, but it's also widely accepted that it is totally rude. Especially when there is an 800 point rating difference between the two players.

Finally, the Russian managed to checkmate her, and moved to, perhaps reluctantly, shake her hand. The woman just sat there staring at him, unmoving. At this point, most of the people in the room (including myself) were watching. The master's face went beet red. He picked up his king, muttered something in Russian (which I can only assume was in the vernacular) and threw the piece at her as he stormed from the room.

The entire room burst into laughter (Which is truly rare at a chess tournament) and, I heard told later, the woman withdrew from the tournament shortly thereafter.

Maybe you need to be a chess player to appreciate this story, but I think it's hilarious.

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