Last Wednesday, I was already feeling somewhat down and clingy when Dan and I got home from Sci of Sci-Fi at about 9:40pm or so. This was very
quickly exacerbated by the fact that Dan annouced that he was going to go watch the 12:01am showing of Star Wars: Episode II
in Pickerington, OH with Ross
, Debi, Brian, Chrissa, Nick, and William. Dan came in, told me he was leaving, kissed me on the top of the head, and was gone.
I think I'd started to cry before the front door even closed all the way.
I cried until I physically could not cry any longer. (About 3 hours.) During that time, I wrote the 2 poems that you will find in my 2 preceeding w/u's. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had just cried myself out, and been done with it. But no, my brain has to be all fucked up, and get stuck in a repeating loop.
For hours, my brain repeated a litany of worthless, unwanted, left behind, they don't want to spend time with you, you run away and now they don't want you and several other, even less complimentary thoughts. The only way I could make the repeating loop pause for awhile was to make myself just as depressed, but about something else. If the depression has another focus, the first one gets temporarily pushed aside. Thus we have a 4-hour long playlist of the most depressing mp3s I have.
I listened to that list twice through before Dan got home at 6am.
I explained what was running around in my brain after I let Dan read Left Behind and Shards, and he then spent the next half hour attempting to apologize and console me; attempting to convince me that I am not worthless, etc.
It really didn't work. The repeating litany is still there, it's just a bit lower in volume. I can keep the volume turned down, as long as I keep moving, concentrating on other situations/people/problems.
But then we have today's mental meltdown.
Everything just kind of converged on me at once today: that I have too many bills/items requiring my money, and too little money to cover it all (and certainly not enough hours at work to get the money), that there are too many people who require my attention for one thing or another and too little of me free to accomodate them all at once, that there are simply not enough hours in the day for me to go to classes, go to work, study/do homework, do housework, be there for everyone who needs me, and get anything resembling a decent amount of sleep, let alone have a social life. I just cannot handle it. I have to handle so very much, all the time, and I just can't anymore.
As much as it hurts to admit this, given how much I've always prided myself on being able to take care of myself and others, I need someone to take care of me. Today I found myself wishing for a moment that I was back in high school, living with mom, not working and having only to worry about getting my homework in on time.
I know, 'this is the real world, grow up and deal with it.' I am trying.
I did manage to make it home from psychology class (which was, ironically, studying 'stress & anxiety' in lecture tonight) before having my mental meltdown and flying into little tiny pieces that are currently scattered about my house. Dan is slowly attempting to pick up the pieces and put me back together, but it may take awhile. Especially with this still-repeating litany in my head.