Loneliness permeates everything that exists in life.
When you are truly lonely it feels like there is no one in the world that is on the same plane as you. There are other people in the world that are lonely and depressed, of course, but they will be the first to tell you that its not the same for anyone, we all suffer on our own
I feel it all the time.
Loneliness leaves you feeling nothing but emptiness, completely insatiable; no amount of money, big screen TVs, expensive cars or amazing jobs can make up for the black hole that is your loneliness... swallowing up everything that you try to counter it with
What's worse, when you're truly, truly lonely, is that nothing really matters. Why even live if you're forced to live in solidarity, isolation. What good is anything you do or accomplish if there is no one to share it with? What's the difference?
Nothing matters. Just filling the void. It's remarkable how everything else in life gets the volume turned down; how the absense of one person, whom you may not even ever find, can set you into a downward spiral of depression and pain.
But you push on, because... honestly, what else are you suppose to do? You go to school, you go to work, you do whatever you have to. If you're like me, you put on a face for the world, one that few people, if anyone, has ever seen past. You smile and joke, talk about the weather, the upcoming weekend and newest piece of techno-shit to become available.
But to you, none of it matters at all. You are among the best actors in the world. You wear a smile on your face because you know that no one is going to understand.
"It happens to everyone," "It's not that bad," "Don't worry, you're going to be just fine."
Well, thank God you think so. I'm sure you're up at night, losing sleep worrying about me...
This is why we suffer silently. Loneliness, real loneliness, is not something that comes and goes in a night. It's built up, sometimes over years, and cannot be explained as just, "I'm lonely." To express the way it feels, the way it affects every aspect of your life, is near impossible, even to the closest people in your life.
How do you make another person feel the bitter hopelessness that loneliness brings? If I could, I don't even think I would want to. Knowing the pain and desperation that comes with it, I would never wish this kind of hell on anyone.
Some say that loneliness is inspirational... I'm sure it has inspired more than a few people to take their own life; and honestly, sometimes I think it would be better not to be alive at all than to go through despair at every moment of the day. But that would be a coward's way out. I won't let loneliness win.
But it seems like it's about that time again. Time to put that smile back on and pretend that life is beautiful. Back to the regular grind with that faint hope, deep down in your soul, that prays fervently that today will be that day; the day that you meet that someone who will flip your world upside down and it will be the best day of your thus-far miserable life.
But until that day I will sit here waiting, praying and trying everything I can to find her. And each night the sun sinks below the horizon that I'm still lonely my heart feels like it sinks a little bit lower into my body and everthing else fades to black.
I guess I'll have to try a little harder