I was sitting in the corner of her couch facing her across the intervening cushions, just listening like I usually do with her.
Watching her lips
as she talked...
Watching her eyes twinkle
as she described a sneaky thing she did...
Watching her hands gesture
as she described things in detail...
It dawned on me that for over 10 years we had been friends
, we had talked, cried, comforted, laughed, kiss
ed on occasion, and in our own way loved
even... but we never dated.
We were both near perfect
for each other, but at the same time, something had always stood between us in that way.
So I asked, "How come we never dated?
She stopped talking and moving for a few seconds, thinking
... (She almost stops breathing when she thinks like this, all her vitality drains away and she applies her whole mind, body, and soul to whatever she is thinking about, its one of the things I find interesting
Finally, she stops tilts her head to me and says, "I-I don't know." and then she gets very very still for a few seconds and says almost to quiet to hear, "I think I'm afraid
That, of course, seemed rather odd
to me, so I asked, "How-so?"
She thought for a bit longer and answered, "I'm afraid to lose what we have already... Boyfriend
s come and go, but we've been friends forever
I simply nodded and said, "I know what you mean... I just wondered the thought came to mind and figured I'd ask ya know...?" Then I changed the subject back to what she was originally talking about...
It's odd, she's my best friend
and I'm her best friend
, I stay at her house frequently, we go to dinner
, we have day long conversations
, we can sit and be silent in a room together and its not an uncomfortable silence
... we touch casually, a hug
, ruffled hair, a pat on the shoulder, we laugh
, we flirt
, we cry
, we are very close... but never that... never a relationship
in that way...
Again, I watch her face
, her lips
, her hands
... inwardly sigh
. Life is ironic
. We never really know what the future