a rough among diamonds

Fake awoke earlier than usual. Sleep and wakefulness was heading toward convergence in the new networked dream. Last night, I had dinner with a thin human man. On 108th, as we were walking along, the man tripped over a pair of rings linked together, as if the rings themselves were already married. They were made of the most dull gray stone we had ever seen. The thin man took a closer look and saw infinity through the eyes of the ring, like a spinning eight.

The shadow was on its side. Resting. I watched as the new infinity man incorporated the ring into his own form, glowing in the darkness with a faint electric blue. He was welcomed into Candle's tribe though his other half chose the gray wizard's tribe as well. The rings were linked. He was still looking for the ultimate marriage without realizing that he had it within himself all along. We considered the moment in the crisp night air.

The buffet was uneventful, though between the two of us, we devoured entire planets. My own ring of marriage had cleared the restaurant ahead of us of its mysterious cargo. Candle nodded, seriously. Her light outshone all others.

At lunch yesterday, we welcomed a new member into the tribunal, because the MasterCard's Master had momentarily retired. He was a large gnome with a stentorian voice. We rode to the gathering on horses provided by the ring-bearer. Clippity-clop.

Across from us sat the elf woman and human woman. To my right sat four aspects of drow elfdom, one male and three female. Their magic resistance was powerful, but no match for the communication skills of the human woman. We shared a private joke. After the Nile, there was the Euphrates. Candle's representative lit up like a Christmas tree, evergreen and bright, pointing to the north star - perfection.

We were there to bless two children. As they were passed down the aisle we couldn't help but offer each a blessing of our own. The pair had the power. Their parents were delighted, beaming, glowing. Galaxies rested like crowns upon their heads, gyroscoping. Their domains were written upon the stars. That night, we went to watch them through the smoky haze, our eyes piercing through the darkness. Candle blushed in mock embarrassment.

the shell
the core
who loved whom?
who ruled whom?
how many layers?
42? ;)
The nights have ended like this far too often, with silence and I feel my heart breaking, every time. With a quiet hug that wakes me it's all forgotten, but it keeps coming back, haunting us. I tell you that I love you too much and you say you don't understand.

I don't let myself fall, never all the way down, I keep a rope tied just in case I want to be pulled back at any time. With you, I've fallen, and I've fallen hard, only now you're the one with the rope and with every silence, you pull back just a little more.

I'd rather you break my heart with a nice clean cut, not by wounding me and then wounding me again before I've even had a chance to heal. So silly that I should finally want to give myself to somebody so wrong for me.
I just got back from Rehoboth Beach with my friends Chris and Sara. We decided at ten o'clock that it would be a good idea to drive to the beach from home, a two-hour trip, run out to the water, get back in the car, and drive home. It was a good deal of fun, since we managed to make a mix for the drive beforehand which ended up being three CD's long. I'll write up the listing at the end of this writeup. If any of you feel really special, and want a copy of one, I might be persuaded to send you a copy.

So last night my friends from school came to see me, as they are driving to Florida for the weekend. From Brooklyn. I dunno. Anyway, this meant that they woke me up at 6:30 as they were getting back in the car. They showed up pretty much unannounced at my house last night, as DE is between Brooklyn and Florida, and I live pretty close to the 95 exit. So I've been up for an ungodly amount of time. I never wake up before noon anymore.

Then my day was pretty uneventful. Unable to fall back to sleep, out of cigarettes, and without a car or money to acquire more, I proceeded to take a really long bath and then clean my room. Ugh. Fun fun fun.

Then Chris calls. He wants to drive to the beach. Okay, I say, I'll come if you'll buy me a pack of smokes. Deal.

Anyway, we drove to the beach, went out to the ocean, and started heading back when I decided I really had to piss. Feeling froggy, I pulled the car over to the side of the road, jumped out in the middle of the highway, and proceeded to urinate all over the center lane of DE rt. 1, a three-lane highway. Good shit. I've been in a good mood ever since, though God only knows why.

Album 1:

Album 2:

Album 3:

I read in the news that Bush came up with a new label: "Axis of evil". Puh-leeze. The Microsoft PR heads must be weeping in envy.

Yes, I am level one. But I haven't given up exploring the system. It seems that either the irony in writeups is not tolerated anymore, or the higher beings lost their sense of humor. Or maybe, my irony is just incompatible.

Lawnjart mentions in how to fight and kick ass that a good way out a fight is to suggest that you'll viciously attack the person after they start, but that this is unlikely to work. I present an illustration of this technique's effectiveness:

It's 2:30 am, this morning (that's about 2 and a half hours ago now). We're walking out of a frat party. 4 guys in a Jeep Cherokee pull up in the praking lot, real fast. One of the guys in the back rolls down his window, yells to my friend, "Hey, Come here. Hey, you friends with Carson Daily?"

But you know, it was the way they said it. They're obviously drunk, looking to pick a fight.

My friend walks up to the car's window, puts his hands up and motions to himslef and asks, "You want me to kick your ass?"

The guy in the back, previously looking to pick a fight, just says "Drive," and they roll the window up and pull out fast, without another word.

I have to make a few disclaimers though. First, we were pretty drunk, so my friend had a lot of confidence. Second, He was already pissed off, so a fight was just what he was looking for. It all lends up to this reckless confidence that's pretty hard to fake. If you want to get out of a fight, and you think the other person's at all reasonable (you have to be fairly certain of this), just make sure you look like you're ready to go out of your mind on them. Nobody fucks with crazy people. Of course, if you even care about whether the other person's rational, you probably can't pull off this insanity. Irony's a bitch like that.


i do not know what to say, what to think.

i never thought i would want anyone else ever again.

i've thought that before, "i don't want anyone but you", after a breakup. meanwhile, i would continue to lust at anything with big boots and some curves.
but this time i didn't. the desire was gone. sex and love did not interest me!

and then ze comes along. we'd met years and years ago through the babygoth list, but had been out of touch for quite some time. another happy reunion brought to you by the miracles of livejournal!

slowly, we discover that we are twins. when we met, we had fairly concurrent interests and beliefs - both of us wiccan, towards the liberal end of the spectrum. goth. now... we've both tired of the goth scene (too much fucking drama). we are both libertarian. we have eschewed wicca for our own, more personalized, less fake belief systems. we use the same deoderant. we're both genderqueer, for fuck's sake.
both of us are recently out of fairly intense relationships - zir's on the shitty side of things, and mine on the heavenly side. neither of us needed or wanted a relationship. both of us wanted to just let things happen, not force anything.

so we did. and what happened? the last thing either of us wanted: a relationship. we tried to fight it off for a while, but finally gave up. there was no denying that we're very much in love, and everyone either of us know has been giving us their blessings for weeks, even our respective exes.

neither of us ever ever ever ever ever EVER wanted a long distance relationship again, either. so much for that.

i love you, ana.

Saturday was the Vortex. In keeping with tradition for the end-of-january party, Tsuyoshi Suzuki was playing, but this time Atmos was the other headline name on the bill.

I guess it says something that I'm only starting to write this up on Thursday. Maybe if I'd known what it would be like I would have stayed at home. Your party probably was different, but this is how I felt it.

From Wednesday last week I was aware of being under the weather. I came to gym to row on Thursday, and gave up after 10 minutes. I figured that if I rested and slept, I would be fine by Saturday.

Actually, I was unhappy and uncertain for much of the night. I irritated lots of people, including myself.

On the way there I got a call on my phone - it seems that friends had gotten to the venue without any trouble on the road. Good. Trouble with the law, only a few weeks before I leave the country, is the last thing that I need.

But when I got to the turnoff, there up ahead was a roadblock. Men in uniforms with automatic rifles and thick blue bulletproof vests. Fat plain-clothes cops. I began to get tense, and tried to look calm, fidget, and realized that sitting immobile trying to be calm makes me look tense. There was a backlog of about 10 cars waiting to be searched. It was 5:30. I rapidly and discreetly phone fiends that are en-route.

after a while my car trickles to the front of the search queue and I am waved over while two plump uniformed cops approach. They don't ask to see my driver's license, or ask me where I'm going. They say they're looking for drugs, but they are not trained narcs and they don't ask me to deny that I have any.

One asks me to open the cubbyhole, and he pokes briefly therein. The other gets my bag and starts rooting through the clothes. Then they decide that there's nothing there and let me go. They haven't even opened the huge cooler box. They'd have to search a lot harder than that to find anything. I am tense but relieved.

That roadblock was hard to fathom, despite the fact that a few arrests were made, it was not conducted in a particularly professional manner. It was targeted only at d, but not at all thorough. It was only a hundred meters from the party entrance, on a road with little other traffic. Was it intended as a "fuck you" from the cops to Vortex? Was it Vortex in some strange attempt to be serious about security?

The party was far smaller than last year - by the time set the campsite was only half-full of tents. Last year it was packed by this time. There was, by and large, space to dance all night.

The night was colder than expected. The acid put me into an uncertain state, I guess the result of hidden stress. I rapidly ran out of energy, long before I usually do. I didn't want to sit and freeze, so I kept moving on spasming legs and back.

Saffa's early set was nice again. He was attempting a housier idiom than at new year, which he was less confident in, but still good.

Tsuyoshi Suzuki's set was patchy - the sound was sharp and clear, unlike the earlier Djs who overdrove the bass, he got it perfect. He clearly has lots of experience driving a bit rig, and knows just what to do with it. He was still in the the same techno/hard house vein as last few years, but the music at times felt like we were not listening to a unified set, but being dragged sideways across genres.

However, the opening sequence was fascinating: Starting with a tune with a "New York" sample and city sounds, merging into heavy, aggressive music, industrial, distorted angry voices,(I think I heard a newscaster say "And no God but Allah" in the mix there somewhere) pretentious? yes, very. Good too.


C- remarks to me "he's not a DJ, he's a preacher." I must agree. This is a sermon.

"What is techno?"

"It's nothing but a groove 'ainit?" So we are supposed to again be questioning our understanding of music. Last year it was Break down the system

After that it got less interesting. A short set, ending with only one track that could be called psychedelic trance.

we climbed up top a hillock and watched the sun rise.

Creator was decent, danceable music again. By now I had warmed up enough to move. Atmos in the AM was OK, but not awesome.

The sea was far too cold to swim in on Sunday at noon, much more so than a few weeks ago, when it was marginally swimable. I swam in the tidal pool, which was much warmer, i.e. refreshingly cool. There were small fish, as big as a finger, darting around in the water.

After that I had some GHB, which hit me quite hard and I had to lie down. I stopped so that I could sober enough to drive, but as I came around I visited the dancefloor, stayed about an hour and had the most fun that I had the whole party.

Vortex exists in it's own space, parallel to everyday life. As the world around it changes, so slowly does the trance-continuum

I'm really disliking the presence of so many drunken, aggressive kids. It sucks.

The organizer sent round email on Wednesday apologizing for incidents, listing steps that will be taken, and promising not to use that venue again.

I'd like to hear the gossip about exactly happened that they feel the need to appologise, but I think it's just going to be the usual: even more alcohol and violence, even more petty theft. I don't hold Vortex responsible for the way that the scene is going, but it must be sad to start out making a wonderful, innocent, idealistic underground scene, build it up and watch it turn into that without being able to do a damn thing about it.

The teenagers of 2002 are not the teenagers of 1995. They live in a quite different country, and have quite different priorities. They live in a freer, more open society, and have less important battles to fight. It is an inevitable prerogative of age to disparage the youth of today, but IMHO they have as a consequence fewer ideals and goals.

Techno really was a new new thing in the early 90s and we will not see the like of that cultural change again for decades. Now it has settled into it s role of provider of mass-market entertainment, not for kids eager to innovate, but for kids eager to join the adult world of debauchery.

As for the venue, I don't see why it shouldn't be used again - it is a good venue with good facilities, nice swimming and owners who don't mind a lot of noise. If Vortex doesn't use it again (which I doubt actually, good venues are hard to find), someone else will.

The aftermath of the party left me exhausted until Wednesday. I would like to leave this scene on a high note but if it was a high note I wouldn't want to leave. And yeah, I've had enough of putting myself through this.

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