Little Girl,
My Little Girl, Touch me.
Take my hand and
I'll show you what to do.
Little Girl,
My Little Girl, Don't tell your mommy,
She doesn't need to know.
What's going on?
It's okay.
Little Girl,
My Little Girl, I'm going to tickle you
And then we'll wrestle some more.
Don't push me away,
I won't hurt you.

brother
my little brother
come here
i have a boo-boo
would you kiss it for me?
don't tell anyone
they don't need to know

cmb/0923 EST/07.03.95
/me needs hugs after noding this :(

This is an account of what happened two hours ago. I'm noding this before it's relegated to the teflon-coated backwaters of my brain.

Scene: small family of three eating supper. M., girl, three, heaving down Loops. W., boy, five, spoonfed by old man toalight. That's the way he eats. He has to. Daddy is tired, thinking of coffee and a cigarette, not quite concentrated on the tasks at hand. The angel and the devil inside are primed and ready however, raring to take over the situation.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Who is grandma's mommy?"

"That's great grandma. She has the same name as you. Remember?"

"Oh yes! She is old!"

"But daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have a small willy?"

What? She's three. How can she have any
relation to what constitues a big one or
a small one?
Aw, come on! Relax! Wait for it. Don't be such a prude!

"Uh, why do you want to know that?"

"Benjamin in kindergarden says his one is a small one"

"Well I bet he does. He's only four you know."

"Will he have a big one when he's big like you?"

What the hell am I talking about other people's penises
with my three year old daughter for? Isn't this a little early?
What the fuck, just say what you really mean...

"No, he will probably not."

What kind of a fucking answer is that??
Yeah! Right on!

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Who is your daddy?"

Sigh. Here we go again...

"Daddy's daddy is an angel in heaven. Just like Pippi Longstocking's mother. We talked of this before."

That's utter crap! You don't even believe that yourself, do you?
Just shut the the hell up, please?

"Okay. Who is grandad?"

"Uh, grandad is granma's boyfriend"

Where is this conversation ending...?

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No. Daddies have girlfriends."

Now listen! That's politically incorrect! Some daddies...
Whomp!
Allright, allright, allright...

"Don't you like boys?"

"No, daddy doesn't like boys."

"But big brother W. is a boy!! Why don't you like him??"

"But daddy does! Daddy like little boys."

Fuuuuuuuuuck! Where in the bloodiest
hell did that come from?

"No, I mean, uh, daddy likes girls a lot!"

"So where is your girlfriend?"

Yeah. Where is my girlfriend...

"Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend"

"Why?"

"Well, that's because I am mostly here with you. Finding a girlfriend is a lot of work. You can't buy girlfriends at the store you know."

Sure you can!
I wasn't talking to you!
Can't you just be really really quiet for once?

"Why?"

"Well, actually you can..."

Ooohhhh nooooooooo......

"Listen, are you done eating your Loops?"

"Can we buy a girlfriend tomorrow?"

"No, we can not buy a girlfriend tomorrow. Are you done?"

"Yes."


So, in just fifteen minutes I managed to thoroughly explain to my little daughter the following trivia on adult life:

  • Daddies have the biggest penises, ever!
  • Daddy's got no girlfriend, possibly because...
  • Daddy likes little boys, and...
  • Girlfriends can sometimes be bought at the supermarket

Just try to be awake this time tomorrow. Okay?
Heeh heeh...

Did I do that?

That phrase will forever remind me of the outrageously nerdy, yet somehow charismatic Steve Urkel, from the show Family Matters. The show aired from 1989 to 1997 on ABC, and was then purchased by CBS to run for another season, until it was cancelled, along with the other longtime ABC programs bought up with it. Originally, Family Matters was a spin-off of another popular, wholesome series, Perfect Strangers. The show followed the Chicago based Winslow family, and explored trials and tribulations found throughout everyday family life. Possibly one of the keys to the series’ success was the large cast of main characters, which allowed for an abundance of episodes to be produced following each of the family members. The list of main characters included: The Winslow Family:

  • Carl Winslow (Reginald VelJohnson): father, husband, and cop. Often called “Big Guy,” and constantly annoyed by Steve.
  • Harriet Winslow (Jo Marie Payton (1989 – 1997) and Judyann Elder (1998)): the matriarch of the Winslow household. She is the voice of reason in the family, and keeps Carl in line.
  • “Eddie” Winslow (Darius McCrary): the eldest son of the family. He’s popular, and into sports, but a little slow when it comes to more intellectual activities. One of Steve’s best friends.
  • Laura Winslow (Kellie Shanygne Williams): the eldest daughter of the family. She’s smart and popular. Steve has a huge crush on her, but she never really reciprocates the feeling.
  • Judy Winslow (Valerie Jones (pilot only) and Jaimee Foxworth): the youngest of the Winslow children. More than anything, she seems to be the tagalong of the family, and very little focus is placed on her character.
  • “Grandma” Winslow (Rosetta LeNoire): Carl’s mother, and the advice giving sage of the family. She’s always there to comfort a troubled soul. Often, she provides some sort of conclusion to an episode.
  • Rachel Crawford (Thelma Hopkins): Harriet’s younger sister. She moved in with the Winslows with her son Riche, and provides parental support for others when possible.
  • Riche Crawford (Joesph Julius-Wright (1989 – 1990) and Bryton McClure (1990 – 1998)): the youngest child living under the Winslow roof. For the majority of the series, he was the “cute” factor, much like Michelle Tanner on Full House.
Neighbors and Friends:
  • Steve Urkel (Jaleel White): pesky, nerdy, and overall annoying neighbor to the Winslows. He is in love with Laura, good friends with Eddie, and constantly gets himself into predicaments with Carl. The comedic relief of the series.
  • Myra Monkhouse (Michelle Thomas): nerdy, yet relatively attractive girl that genuinely loves Steve. Another source of hijinks and laughs.
  • Waldo Geraldo Faldo (Shawn Harrison): Eddie’s best friend. He’s got a heart of gold, an empty head, and is a master chef. Laughs are had at his expense when he misuses certain words. A genuinely likable character.
  • 3J (Orlando Brown): a streetwise youth that is befriended by Steve when he teaches him to read. He doesn’t appear until 1996.

The charm of Family Matters wasn’t found in daring new ideas or concepts, and it was far from revolutionary programming. In fact, nearly every episode had a moral to it that revolved around the standard sitcom selection, ranging from common human compassion and empathy to race and sex issues. Rather, people came back to it because it was familiar, and they got to know and love the characters. Granted, every now and then there was the occasional plot twist or gimmick episode to spice things up. Steve’s alter ego, Stefan is a perfect example of this. Despite ridiculous concepts like that though, Family Matters was a fan favorite for almost ten years. In fact, Family Matters is placed among the ranks of great programs like The Cosby Show and The Jeffersons as one of the longest running African-American television sitcoms ever, weighing in at a respectable 215 episodes.

Complete Episode Listing: Season 1:

  1. The Mama Who Came to Dinner - 9/22/89
  2. Two Income Family - 9/29/89
  3. Short Story - 10/6/89
  4. Rachel's First Date - 10/13/89
  5. Straight A's - 10/20/89
  6. Basketball Blues - 11/3/89
  7. Body Damage - 11/10/89
  8. Mr. Badwrench - 11/17/89
  9. Stake-Out - 11/24/89
  10. False Arrest - 11/28/89
  11. The Quilt - 12/8/89
  12. Laura's First Date - 12/15/89
  13. Man's Best Friend - 1/8/90
  14. Baker's Dozen - 1/11/90
  15. The Big Reunion - 1/23/90
  16. The Party - 2/3/90
  17. The Big Fix - 2/20/90
  18. Sitting Party - 2/23/90
  19. In a Jam - 3/16/90
  20. The Candidate - 4/17/90
  21. Bowl Me Over - 4/30/90
  22. Rock Video - 4/30/90
Season 2:
  1. Rachel's Place - 9/21/90
  2. Torn Between Two Lovers - 9/21/90
  3. Marriage 101 - 9/28/90
  4. Flashpants - 10/5/90
  5. The Crash Course - 10/12/90
  6. Boxcar Blues - 10/19/90
  7. Dog Day Halloween - 10/26/90
  8. Cousin Urkel - 11/2/90
  9. Dedicated to the One I Love - 11/9/90
  10. The Science Project - 11/16/90
  11. Requiem for an Urkel - 11/23/90
  12. Fast Eddie Winslow - 11/30/90
  13. Have Yourself a Merry Winslow Christmas - 12/21/90
  14. Ice Station Winslow - 1/4/91
  15. Son - 1/11/91
  16. Do the Right Thing - 1/14/91
  17. High Hopes - 2/8/91
  18. Life of the Party - 2/15/91
  19. Busted - 2/22/91
  20. Fight the Good Fight - 3/15/91
  21. Taking Credit - 3/22/91
  22. Finding the Words - 4/1/91
  23. Skip to My Lieu - 4/25/91
  24. The Good, the Bad, and the Urkel - 4/26/91
  25. I Should Have Done Something - 4/26/91
Season 3:
  1. Boom! - 9/20/91
  2. Brain Over Brawn - 9/27/91
  3. The Show Must Go On - 10/4/91
  4. Words Hurt - 10/11/91
  5. Daddy's Little Girl - 10/19/91
  6. Citizen's Court - 10/25/91
  7. Robo-Nerd - 11/1/91
  8. Making the Team - 11/8/91
  9. Born to be Mild - 11/15/91
  10. The Love God - 11/22/91
  11. Old and Alone - 11/22/91
  12. A Pair of Ladies - 11/29/91
  13. Choir Trouble - 12/6/91
  14. Test of Friendship - 1/10/92
  15. Jailhouse Blues - 1/10/92
  16. Brown Bombshell - 10/17/92
  17. Food, Lies & Videotape - 1/31/92
  18. My Brokenhearted Valentine - 2/7/92
  19. Woman of the People - 2/14/92
  20. Love and Kisses - 2/21/92
  21. Stop in the Name of Love - 2/28/92
  22. The Urkel Who Came to Dinner - 3/13/92
  23. Robo-Nerd 2 - 4/24/92
  24. Dudes - 4/24/92
  25. Farwell, My Laura - 5/1/92
Season 4:
  1. Surely You Joust - 9/19/92
  2. Dance to the Music - 10/2/92
  3. Driving Carl Crazy - 10/9/92
  4. Rumor Has It... - 10/16/92
  5. Number One With a Bullet - 10/23/92
  6. Whose Kid is it Anyway? - 10/30/92
  7. An Officer and a Waldo - 11/6/92
  8. Just One Date - 11/13/92
  9. The Oddest Couple - 11/20/92
  10. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel - 12/11/92
  11. Muskrat Love - 1/8/93
  12. Hot Wheels - 1/13/93
  13. The Way the Ball Bounces - 1/22/93
  14. A Thought in the Dark - 1/29/93
  15. Tender Kisses - 2/5/93
  16. Heart Strings - 2/12/93
  17. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad House - 2/16/93
  18. Higher Anxiety - 2/19/93
  19. Mama's Wedding - 2/26/93
  20. Pulling Teeth - 3/5/93
  21. Walk on the Wild Side - 3/26/93
  22. Hot Stuff - 4/30/93
  23. Stormy Weather - 5/7/93
  24. Buds 'n Buns - 5/14/93
Season 5:
  1. Hell Toupee - 9/24/93
  2. It Didn't Happen One Night - 10/1/93
  3. Saved by the Urkel - 10/8/93
  4. A Matter of Principle - 10/15/93
  5. Money Out the Window - 10/22/93
  6. Best Friends - 10/29/93
  7. Grandmama - 11/5/93
  8. Dr. Urkel and Mr. Cool - 11/11/93
  9. Car Wars - 11/19/93
  10. All the Wrong Moves - 11/19/93
  11. Christmas is Where the Heart is - 11/26/93
  12. Scenes From a Mall - 12/10/93
  13. Rock Enroll - 12/17/93
  14. Like a Virgin - 1/7/94
  15. Good Cop, Bad Cop - 1/14/94
  16. Presumed Urkel - 1/21/94
  17. Father of the Bride - 2/4/94
  18. Psycho Twins - 2/11/94
  19. That's What Friends Are For - 2/18/94
  20. Opposites Attract - 3/4/94
  21. A-Camping We Will Go - 3/18/94
  22. Nunsense - 4/1/94
  23. Aunt Oona - 4/29/94
  24. Stefan Returns - 5/6/94
Season 6:
  1. To Be or Not to Be - 9/23/94
  2. To Be or Not to Be (II) - 9/30/94
  3. Till Death Do Us Appartment - 10/7/94
  4. The Looney Bin - 10/14/94
  5. Beta Chi Guy - 10/21/94
  6. Dark and Stormy Night - 10/28/94
  7. Par for the Course - 11/4/94
  8. Sink or Swim - 11/11/94
  9. Paradise Bluff - 11/18/94
  10. Flying Blind - 11/25/94
  11. Cheers Looking at You, Kid - 12/12/94
  12. Miracle on Elm Street - 12/16/94
  13. Midterm Crisis - 1/6/95
  14. An Unlikely Match - 1/20/95
  15. The Substitute Son - 2/3/95
  16. The Gun - 2/10/95
  17. Wedding Bell Blues - 2/17/95
  18. Ain't Nothing But an Urkel - 2/24/95
  19. My Uncle the Hero - 3/3/95
  20. My Bodyguard - 3/17/95
  21. What's Up Doc? - 3/31/95
  22. We're Going to Disney World - 4/28/95
  23. We're Going to Disney World (II) - 5/5/95
  24. They Shoot Urkels, Don't They? - 5/12/95
  25. Home Sweet Home - 5/19/95
Season 7:
  1. Little Big Guy - 9/22/95
  2. The Naked and the Nerdy - 9/29/95
  3. Bugged - 10/13/95
  4. Teacher's Pet - 10/20/95
  5. Walking My Baby Back Home - 11/3/95
  6. She's Back - 11/10/95
  7. Hot Rods to Heck - 11/17/95
  8. Talk's Cheap - 11/24/95
  9. Struck By Lightning - 12/8/95
  10. Best Years of Our Lives - 12/15/95
  11. Fa La La La Laagghh! - 1/5/96
  12. Friendship Cycles - 1/12/96
  13. South of the Border - 1/26/96
  14. Life in the Fast Lane - 2/2/96
  15. Random Acts of Science - 2/9/96
  16. Tips for a Better Life - 2/16/96
  17. Swine Lake - 2/23/96
  18. My Big Brother - 3/8/96
  19. Eau de Love - 3/15/96
  20. Twinkle Toes Faldo - 3/29/96
  21. Scammed - 4/26/96
  22. Dream Date - 5/10/96
  23. A Ham is Born - 5/17/96
  24. Send in the Clone - 5/17/96
Season 8:
  1. Paris Vacation - 9/20/96
  2. Paris Vacation (II) - 9/20/96
  3. Paris Vacation (III) - 9/27/96
  4. Movin' On - 10/4/96
  5. 3J in the House - 10/11/96
  6. Getting Buff - 10/18/96
  7. Stevil - 10/25/96
  8. Karate Kids - 11/1/96
  9. Home Again - 11/8/96
  10. Nightmare at Urkel Oaks - 11/15/96
  11. Chick-A-Boom - 11/22/96
  12. The Jury - 11/22/96
  13. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear - 12/6/96
  14. Revenge of the Nerd - 12/13/96
  15. Love Triangle - 1/17/97
  16. Father Time - 1/17/97
  17. Beauty and the Beast - 1/31/97
  18. La Jour d'Amour - 2/7/97
  19. What Do You Know? - 2/14/97
  20. Odd Man In - 2/28/97
  21. Flirting With Disaster - 3/14/97
  22. Pound Foolish - 3/28/97
  23. The Brother Who Came to Dinner - 4/25/97
  24. A Pirate's Life For Me - 5/2/97
Season 9:
  1. Out With the Old - 9/19/97
  2. They Shoot Ducks, Don't They? - 9/26/97
  3. Dumb Belle of the Ball - 10/3/97
  4. Drinking and Jiving - 10/10/97
  5. Who's Afraid of the Big Black Book? - 10/17/97
  6. A Mind's a Terrible Thing to Read - 10/24/97
  7. Stevil II: This Time He's Not Alone - 10/31/97
  8. Trading Places - 11/7/97
  9. Pain in Harassment - 11/28/97
  10. Original Gangsta Dawg - 12/5/97
  11. Deck the Malls - 12/19/97
  12. Girl of My Dreams - 1/9/98
  13. Breaking Up is Hard to Do - 1/16/98
  14. Crazy For You - 1/23/98
  15. Crazier For You - 1/30/98
  16. Whose Man Is It, Anyway? - 6/5/98
  17. Polkapalooza - 6/12/97
  18. Throw Steve From the Train - 6/19/98
  19. Don't Make Me Over - 6/26/98
  20. Pop Goes the Question - 7/3/98
  21. Lost in Space - 7/10/98
  22. Lost in Space (II) - 7/17/98

WHEW... my fingers hurt...

Sources: http://www.kellie.de/familymatters.htm http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com http://www.us.imdb.com

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