They say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die.

Movie buffs know this for a fact. It makes sense that, at the end of your life, you should get closing credits.

So, in the hopefully distant future (I don't mind long-running movies) I will see the dreaded line "CAST (in order of appearance)" scroll upwards in my field of view.

Since I was born with a Caesarean section, the first actor will be credited as "knife wielding stranger". This actually makes some sort of sense.

(The fact that I saw the inside of my mother's belly first doesn't grant her the place of honour. For those nine months she was just a shooting location).

If the psychologists are right, I recognized my face in a mirror for the first time when I was 18 months old, so the name of the main character will be wedged between aunt Camilla and the new postman.

The girl whom I fell achingly in love with when I was thirteen will appear as "second short brunette".

Being an agnostic, I am really, really curious to read the name of the art director. If the buddhists are right, I see the possibilities for a few sequels.

The writing credits should list only my name, if all goes well. I fight every day not to read something on the lines of "Story by: mom, school, wife, boss (additional screenplay by Vorbis)". I would die of shame. But then again, at the time that wouldn't be a problem.

I will be deeply embarassed by the soundtrack listing. Tacky '80s songs. YMCA. Claudio Baglioni. Yes, even that damn "badger badger badger" tune!

The special effects crew will list several dozen people, since I've often stared transfixedly at beautiful things. Sunsets in particular. Every evening during a vacation in southern Italy I could hear the little SFX slaves, tied to their workstations, groaning "damn, not another bloody sunset!"

Near the end I will laugh weakly, causing those around my deathbed to exchange puzzled glances. That would be the part where you get the standard disclaimer "The characters depicted in this motion picture are fictitious and no resemblance to any actual individual, living or dead, is intended".

After that, the screen will go black, and I will go home.


UPDATES:

TenMinJoe says: Of course the worst thing would be to see Director: Alan Smithee

Servo5678 says: You're forgetting "Copyright (year of birth) - (year of death)" (Actually, anybody who tries to show my life in public places such as hospitals or prisons would probably be stoned to death by the inmates).

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