Haggard: The Movie(2003)

"Dude, he definitely does not wear the pants in that relationship."
"Pants? He wears ladies underwears."


Haggard: The Movie is a shining example of the fun and glory of homespun movie-making. The fact that it has gotten (relatively) massive distribution is somewhat miraculous, and probably largely due to the popularity of its writer/director Bam Margera (of cky, Jackass, Viva LaBam, and pro skateboarding fame). It details a (supposedly) true story about fellow cky-er Ryan Dunn and his ex-girfriend "Glauren". After Glauren tells Ryan that she needs some time apart, he falls into a pit of despair and booze and enlists the help of his prankster buddies (Bam and fellow writer/cky-er Brandon DiCamillo). Various side plots, sight gags, and cameos from some of cky's favorite characters serve to keep the plot rolling merrily along until the finish.

If you haven't followed cky's exploits through their home movies (cky, cky2k, cky 3, and cky 4: Latest and Greatest) and you didn't enjoy Dude, Where's My Car? even a little bit (come on, be honest), this movie's probably not for you. While the cinematography is actually pretty well done, even striking at times thanks to the help of D.P. Joseph Frantz, the other details of the film are decidedly low-budget. The biggest payoff is probably that, for cky fans, this is basically one long cky sketch with a plot. Pro skateboarding followers will probably enjoy the film as well, as there are several transitional scenes of skate tricks filmed in traditional fisheye slo-mo, and cameos by Bucky Lasek and the Hawk himself. Also, the film seems to strangely appeal to recently jilted lovers (go figure). If you don't fall into one of these categories however, you can probably stop reading this right now, downvote my writeup (unless you appreciate my insight and honesty!), and avoid this movie at all costs. If you freely admit to belonging to one of the above-listed categories, I highly encourage you to read on and then find a way to get your hands on this movie.

Ryan Dunn goes all out and shows his softer side as a heartbroken fop who can't get past the fear that his girlfriend is cheating on him. It doesn't help that she admits to spending a lot of time with a guy she met at the bowling alley who everybody calls "Hellboy" (Rake Yohn, essentially playing himself). Valo (Bam) plays Ryan's friend and spends his time inventing crazy schemes to cheer Ryan up ("You need to break bottles behind WaWa,") and skating his way out of trouble. Valo is aided in his misadventures by Falcone (DiCamillo with a ridiculous generic European accent), a seemingly mad scientist feverishly at work on a project for the "Invention of the Future Contest" ("First prize is a mountain bike made of diamonds!"). Their exploits involve breaking in to Glauren's house, setting Hellboy up for a vicious prank, and boozing it up at Westchester, PA hotspot "15 North".

The movie has another bonus if you, like Bam, happen to be a rabid fan of the Scandinavian blues/"love metal" stylings of H.I.M. The band is featured prominently on the soundtrack and the DVD contains a H.I.M. video ("Heartache Every Moment") as a special feature.

I think most of you should know yourselves well enough to make an educated guess on whether or not this is your kind of movie. If you think it might be, I highly encourage you check it out. Watch it with friends, so they recognize the hundreds of quotes you start repeating from it ("That shit's gayer than a leather pinata, man. I don't want anything to do with it,"). The DVD has kick-ass special features including DiCamillo's "Chinese Freestyle #2" ("Only Americans eat duck sauce!") and a making-of featurette that comes damn close to being as funny as the movie itself. All in all, for fans of low-brow humor, Haggard: The Movie delivers laughs on demand.

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