MSTing

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By STUART GALBRAITH IV

NEWS SPECIAL WRITER

My wife, Anne, normally writes this column, but right now she's just too mad. She just caught

part of the Comedy Channel's "Mystery Science Theater 3000." For anyone lucky enough to have avoided the program thus far "MST 3000" features an "astronaut"

and several "robots" (the latter actually Muppet-like puppets)

who watch real, honest-to goodness movies

while making comments, supposedly comical, based on the events onscreen.

The impact of this program, not only on the "so-bad-it's-good" genre, but on movies of all types, is tremendous.

At a recent 24-hour science fiction movie marathon in Columbus, Ohio, Anne and I watched helplessly

as classic films the likes of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"

were mercilessly assaulted by audience members "inspired" by this insipid show. One patron even brought a life-size replica of one of the robots to keep him company.

After enduring several hours of crude, sexist remarks,

nonstop belching

(Noel Coward it ain't)

and other contemptible, frighteningly animal-like behavior from these morons--about one-third of the audience--we left furious and deeply saddened.

We felt sorry for all the children in the audience, children who were

presumably seeing these films for the first time. And as film Critic Gene Siskel has rightly stated: You can only see a film for the first time once.

What were they to make of all this mayhem'?

Given the chance to work its powers, 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers" is still genuinely creepy and unsettling,

"20,000 Leagues" is still full of wonder and excitement. But uninterested audience members didn't give either film a chance.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" had given them the green light to tear these pictures to shreds, and so they did.

Just like the madman who, a while back, flipped out in a Florence museum and took a swing at Michelangelo's "David's" big toe.

An usher I spoke with suggested the audience would calm down for the newer films shown later that evening;

laughing at older films, he implied, was somehow acceptable simply because they were older, as if a picture made before 1980 was inherently inferior to something new.

Don't get me wrong,

I'm not defending bad films as great art, nor am I demanding stony silence during screenings of "Plan 9 From Outer Space." A bad script, cheap special effects, and amateurish acting can turn a bad movie into a laugh riot.

The difference here is the audience didn't let the films' inadequacies or attributes speak for itself.

They simply didn't want to sit still for 90 minutes and keep their mouths shut. Long before the program even began, these fools had declared an open season on our film heritage.

Their complete lack of consideration was topped only by their astonishing lack of talent.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is itself painfully unfunny,

and this audience was much worse than that. The folks behind the TV show and at the theater lack both the talent and the guts to do stand-up before a real audience

or come up with original material on their own

(they use so-called "bad" movies as their crutch).

These people are talentless cretins, and no one should have to put up with their behavior in a public theater.

Every film, no matter how good or bad, deserves a chance.

If you're someone who believes film patrons want to spend $6.00 to listen to you yak, please stay home.

It'll make Anne--and myself--a lot happier.