I learned a very important lesson today. Getting high off epoxy at the office is probably a bad idea.

My company is in the process of updating our horrendous 80's decor by applying a fresh coat of paint and some new carpeting. Instead of moving us all to some other part of the massive office building we occupy, they decided to it all while we're sitting obediently at our desks. Due to some glitch in office management, today was they day they decided to tear apart every office surrounding mine.


I stroll into work this morning (smile on my face and whistling, of course) only to be greeted by that sweet smell that only fresh paint and epoxy can make. I think to myself, 'oh, you've been through worse working with straight bleach at the day care center.' This, unfortunately, was a vast understatement of the situation. One of the construction workers was in an office across the hall with the door closed, replacing the carpet. Once he opened the door, a wave of fumes hit me like a ton of bricks.

The sensation that hit me a few minutes later was vaguely familiar, in a white trash kind of way. They said that the paint shouldn't make us feel funny, but this glue was making my head feel a little funny, like I was... over there. WAAAY over there. After a few minutes spent confirming that I was, in fact, really fucking high, I meandered down to my coworker's desk on the other side of the building. She had previously complained that subjecting us to this kind of mistreatment was not in our job descriptions, so I had the sympathetic ear. I sure that I didn't make much sense at all, but I must have conveyed my message.

I remember sitting down in her office chair for a few minutes before the office manager showed up and told me to go home. I suddenly had my coat, and was escorted out of the building by my boss. On the way down in the elevator, I remember telling her that I was so sorry about this, and rambling incoherently about all the work that was still sitting on my desk.

After a few hours, the world started to obey the laws of nature again. I appreciate that. I already inhale enough bad shit without sniffing glue, thank you very much. I can't wait to go in there on Monday and find out how everyone else handled the day. Maybe we can sit around during lunch and share out bad trip stories.

So kids, learn from my experiences. Don't get high at work. They send you home early.

Hey, wait a second...