You
loved him. Then you
lost him.
Well, what can I say? How do you move on from someone who you've built up into your head as being some sort of being beyond earth. What do you do when you always saw them as being rather
ethreal and
beautiful?
There's not much you can do, not really. You think they're amazing. You melt when they brush past you, touch you, look at you. Your pulse races every time you hear their voice or you're anticipating their arrival in the room.
But they don't know how you feel so you never tell them. And then they leave for the army and you're alone knowing you'll never see them again. You know it makes it harder because you don't know what could have been. You don't know if that day he brought you a chair or when he smiled at you... or even when he told you he thought you understood him meant anything. You don't know if there could have been a future for you both. And that's what makes it harder.
The more he's away the more you love him and pine after him. You need him in your life and now no one compares to him.
It's funny because you're thinking of him now and your eyes start to water just that little bit. You were already feeling ill but it's now something more than just that. Sickness? No, not where it should be. It's in your heart.
You're thinking of how his hair looked, about those deep brown eyes that you loved to stare into and mentally pour your heart out. You're thinking of how you felt when he was supporting your head in a training exercise for a patient with a neck injury. You remember how your heart was pounding so fast when he took your pulse and you were so terrified he'd figure it out. You remember watching him walk about with that air of confidence. You remember his laugh, that beautiful smile which made every day seem okay. You remember how you felt when he spoke of his new girlfriend and that look he gave you when he first mentioned her. That look that said he may have understood just then. The eureka moment. Your face must have given it away for you almost cried there and then.
And now you tell yourself that it's going to be okay. It's okay that you keep thinking you see him when you don't. It's okay still to hurt like hell every time you think of him. It's okay to wish that he was here with you. But it's not okay that he doesn't know how you feel. If you knew then what you know now you would have shouted it out from the rooftops. But you didn't and you still don't. It's not like you haven't tried to find him but you probably haven't tried as hard as you should have. It's been a year since he left and nothing's changed about how you feel. You met him three years ago in March and your feelings have just gotten stronger and stronger. You just hope some day you'll meet again and be able to start again. That fate may play a kind hand in your future.
So, might I just say, in case you didn't know. Marc, by the way, I love you.