Bitch on the Beach
This weekend is fall break. A whole 2 days off from school but not work. Yay me. I wasn't able to go out of town this year because I am as poor as poor can be, but it helps to recall last year and the fun we had in Destin, Florida. I went with two friends, Tish and Ammo (her real name is Ashley but I know too many people named Ashley so she had to be given a nickname. These stories are quite long and filled with funny things that happened on the trip. I hope you enjoy them. I will be posting one a day. Read, enjoy, be happy, and no -'s please:
The title would be the way the woman laying out behind us on the beach answered her phone. They were some interesting women. Realtors from the South. The one that called herself "Towanda" was from Memphis. They are now taking their Real-Estate License Test, and looking for men to date. I know all of this b/c I spent the whole of Sunday afternoon listening to them. Hey, if they didn't want us to know what they were saying they shouldn't have talked so loud.
WARNING: What you are about to read about myself, Ammo and Tish is some funny stuff. However you may not think it is funny so I am going to try to make it as funny as we found it. Also, none of us look the best in these stories so I am warning you that most of our actions are not how we would act under normal circumstances. So odd behavior is either due to no sleep/being in a car for too long, extreme delirium, or drunkenness.
Okay let us begin at the beginning. There really isn't much to say. We hauled ass after Ammo and I both got off work Friday and were on the road around 4:30. Ammo drove the majority of the way. Bring on the road rage.
Ammo has now been labeled the Car Nazi. You see, terrorism isn't strictly limited to planes, bombs and box cutters. No no. They also frequent purple Chevy Malibus. Enter the I-20 terrorist. You see, this Malibu was a bitch. She wouldn't let us over. She was going too slow in the fast lane. She would drive right beside us. And somehow whenever we would get away from her she would catch up to us again and the aforementioned actions would just repeat. At one point she had Ammo screaming at the top of her lungs, "I'D RATHER DIE THAN LET YOU OVER!!!" I am in tears right now just thinking about it. I hope you all find that funny. Tish and I almost pissed ourselves. Ammo was a woman obsessed. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned on the Interstate.
Tish has a number of hilarious sayings on the way to Florida. With her legs spread in the air as far as she could, she asked if I would like a piece of Muff Pie. Hold on......let me regain composure...okay. When discussing whether or not Ammo and Tish were going to follow their grandmothers orders and attend church on Sunday, Tish said that it didn't matter anyway. "God is steering this car." and she also said that her boss is a Jewish Carpenter, and deemed our car the COC (Church of Christ) driven car. Funny stuff, at least I thought so. Then with Tish sticking her hand out of the sun roof she told all of us to look, she was giving the air a hand-job. Then Tish took the wheel, I hope you are ready for this. It is getting it's own paragraph.
It's pretty late when Tish starts to drive and it is getting foggy. So Tish says, "I hate driving through clouds." I hope someone is laughing at that besides Ammo and myself. Then Tish says that it is like driving through a ghost. Then Tish has to pee....
Wait, wait, before you read this, if you are eating, stop. In fact, don't read this if you have eaten in the past 30 minutes:
So Tish announces that she has to pee and we pass several gas stations that look a little sketchy so we don't stop. Finally Tish can't take it anymore and we pull into a Petro station. We go inside and in the back of the store is the restroom. A unisex restroom. This should have been hint enough to run for our lives. And, it is locked. Ammo being the brave 6th grade teacher that she is, gets the key from the Asian behind the plate glass shielded counter. She comes back, opens the door. Holy shit. It looks like something from, well, HELL. The dirty toilet seat is up. To the right of the toilet there is, splattered all over the wall, could only be described as shit. That's right folks, actual human feces. If this wasn't enough, all of the toilet paper on the floor is wet along with all of the toilet paper on the roll. All soggy and unusable. Needless to say, we bolted. Ammo threw the key at the caged Asian and we ran. And despite the many people outside the Petro station that did not stop us from shivering in disgust and "Oh My God"ing all the way to the car. This must have been extremely attractive b/c it led to a Vanilla Ice lookin' mother fella asking, "Can I ride wit choo?" about 27 times. He must have though that the "UGH"s and other terms used for complete and utter disgust were about him. He was laughing at us. Don't flatter yourself. I am sure that once he saw the Toxic Waste Dump being held in the restroom, he would figure it out. For those of you who have seen the movie Dogma, I want you to picture the restroom the Golgothan comes out of. Now times that times 10. Not kidding. It was that bad. So bad that we wanted to gag a whole hour after leaving the Petro station. I am a little nauseous right now. I am going to the restroom now.
Our hotel was a {Holiday Inn] on the beach. This would be the cheapest of the ones on the beach and our 2nd hotel. We arrived in Destin around 3 in the morning
Okay on to Saturday. It was a little cloudy but we still laid out for about 5 hours total. Fun stuff. I am going to start on Tommy and Buffy:
Whether or not these are their real names, we have no idea. In our beach boredom we gave them these names. Buffy would be the dumb ass chick that apparently didn't want to get her sarong wet in the ocean. Well, then don't wear it in the ocean. Who are you trying to impress? This is pretty much a family populated beach. The 5 year old with the lime green shovel that is pissing his mother off by pouring wet sand all over her is, not looking at your ass. I doubt he even knows you are there. Looking for a married man are you? Well in that case, you're in luck. However all the married cock around here is not without their beer belly. Tommy was playfully spraying Buffy with water while she tried, pointlessly, to keep her sarong out of the water and to thwart Tommy advances to get her wet, my guess would be, in more ways than one. She is one of those girls that is way louder than is really necessary, just to make sure that everyone on the beach can see that, yes, there is a man flirting with her. Thank you for that Buffy.
Saturday we went to Back Porch and ate and got drunk and to save money (plus me being slightly under the weather) we got drunk at the hotel room. We had a great girl conversation. No need to go into details here. Just the usual convo: sex, exes, friends, drunkenness etc. While we were having our conversation, we were watching the end of a wedding take place. You know, the rice throwing, goodbyes,and whatnot. The groom drove a new Corvette. Nice. We heard him yell to not get any rice in the car. When they sped off, he made sure to peel out, leaving his tire marks on the lovely Holiday Inn parking lot. Congratulations Chicky. You just married a Jackass. So the happy couple came back and we yelled out a congratulations. It was then that we found we had neighbors in the balcony next to us. More than likely listening to our every word. Oh well. We probably taught them a few things. Anyway, after we yelled, they followed. One of the girls goes, "I'm going through a divorce but congratulations anyway." Ummmm, okay? What do you say to that after you just got married? And was that completely necessary?
I am going to go ahead and move onto Sunday night. Just a portion of it b/c there is a lot to get to. > I am just going to go over our dinner at Captain Daves. First of all, the entire restaurant is no-smoking and I think they only serve wine there, so we were automatically out of our element. I think that is why they sat us in the very back. Too unclassy. Anyway, Tish had the crab legs. This is > where the email gets stupid. I thought this entire conversation was hilarious. But that might just be me.
Has anyone ever seen someone eat crab legs? This would be the first time for me. It's kind of scary. It's like a crab's legs. Hence the name crab legs. You crack them open and everything. Crazy. Anyway, Tish holds one set of crab legs up and says she has a gimp crab. "He lost his legs in Nam." Tish got the last plate of crab legs. I wondered why they didn't just swim out in the ocean and catch more. I mean it was just right outside, it's not like they had to go far. Then I wondered if they had a crab call. Every other animal has some sort of a call. Maybe it is something like, "Herrrreee crabby, crabby, crabby." I wasn't serious, I'm not a complete dumbass. Then Tish holds up her crab crackers and goes, "You're CRACKING me up." I'm in tears right now. Then I was just voicing my opinion that it looks so cruel how they get the crab legs. It looks like they just rip them off the crab. Then Tish pointed out my hypocrisy in saying that it probably isn't any more cruel than how they killed my Trout. Then I corrected her in saying that my fish committed suicide. He was dead when they found him. I'm just doing my part to clean out the ocean. Then Tish says, "He was probably the worst one in his school." That is funny, you all have to laugh at that. I am sure it could happen, fish can get depressed. Hasn't anyone seen The Little Mermaid??? The sad part about this conversation, we were sober. I think laying out in the sun all day fried what was left of our sanity.