I know it looks like all I do anymore is write daylogs and whine. Not completly true. I do have some nodes in the work but haven't actually got anything I'm satisfied enough to actually let anyone see them just yet. Soon I'll write something besides just daylog crap.
I went to the Psychiatrist today. I didn’t tell him much. They didn’t want to hear anything. No matter what I start to say he says that more Prozac will make me feel better. He asked me about a couple of anti-psychotics but I’d been on them before but was taken off of them because the negative side effects outweighed any help they gave me. If he would actually look past the page he is supposed to write on in my chart he’d see what medicines and such have been prescribed to me and most likely the reason for their discontinuation. I know all the information is in my chart. If they’d just let me get my fingers on it! I’d show them the records of all the medications I’ve tried, and when they were discontinued and most likely why they were changed, and all the times I was hospitalized, and how long I went from nine am to two thirty pm five days a week to group therapy all day, and individual therapy each week, and I know even some of the letters I’d written trying to explain what I need are in that chart. It’s all in there, but they just won’t look! It’s so frustrating. I get so shy and anxious I just can’t talk to him, or my case manager. My case manager seems nice but I just can’t talk to her. There are few people I can verbally explain how I am to. She’s not one of them. She makes me feel like I’m supposed to keep the mask on for her. I’m thinking of trying to find a different place to go to, a different doctor, a different case manager, and a therapist. I don’t know if it’s worth it though. Most of the people at the clinic are nice and seemed to want to help, just not in the program I’m stuck in. I wrote a letter last night to give to them at the clinic asking for help but I could not work up the courage to give it to anyone. I don’t want to go back in the mental hospital again. It always makes things worse when they lock me up in there for a weekend or a couple weeks or however long. When I went to this clinic for the first time I had a friend there with me, helping me explain things, what I needed from them. Eventually my friend dropped out of the picture and went back to living her life. This has left me alone and afraid. I can’t face the things that need to be faced without someone close to me, someone I truly trust to help me face the hard things. I’ve only got one friend now. A wonderful girl who is so much like me it’s scary, right down to psychiatric symptoms and even early childhood experiences, things that happened long before we ever met, and things that only in the last couple years we’ve realized that both of us know, both of us understand, when no one else does. She’s like my soul mate or something. She’s the best friend a person could ever have. She’s not a noder yet, but give her time and someday she may just show up on e2. She’s showed up other places on the net where I haunt.
Next Wednesday I’m going with my little sister’s choir as a chaperone. Where are we going? DISNEYLAND!!! I’m totally looking forward to it. Going for free with junior high girls is almost as good as going at regular price with my friends. My sister and I get along good so it’s cool that we get to hang out all day together at Disneyland.
Speaking of my sister, I’m worried about her. My mom is just angry. “I’m not going through this shit again” was her comment. My sister is depressed. She mentioned to a friend that she wants to kill herself. This isn’t the first time my sister has showed signs of severe depression. The friend went to a school councilor. Now my family is required it show proof they have put her into some sort of counseling or therapy. Instead of worrying about her, and wanting to help her, they are angry with her. They’re always angry with her. Why can't they believe that perhaps there’s something wrong with us? Maybe, just maybe, we are not intentally doing things to make them angry. I can’t be what they want and I don’t think my sister can either. She tries to get good grades, but she struggles. Her mouth is a bit dirty, and she doesn’t enjoy her catechism class much, and like most fourteen year olds her room is always a mess, but she’s not a bad young lady. She’s not interested in drugs or sex. Well, she’s not doing drugs and she is a virgin. She’s kissed a boy. At 14 that’s not unusual. She’s been pretty open with me, fortunately. I just wish I could help her somehow. I know how she feels. I grew up with the same family she is.
So in summary, today wasn't great. More stupid prozac. More anger from my family. Well at least I can look forward to wednesday, but with my luck this stupid war will scare the school into cancelling this trip.
Does anything ever happen that feels good?