Just a
brief update...
- Lost my job with Watkins College, it's a long story but the gist of it is that me and my boss couldn't work together. He wanted to dictate, I wanted a team environment for discussion. He wanted to issue orders for projects under my control, I wanted to talk about solutions not be force fed ones I thought were bad. Especially for my projects. He called it argumentative and disrespectful, I called it unfounded. In the end I'm glad I'm gone, I don't think I could have put up with working under him much longer.
- Worked my budget, pulled money out of my emergency fund and found out I can survive (with drawing unemployment) paying all of my bills till August-September. The market is slowing right now though so I have to hope that I can find work in my field in that time frame. I have high hopes. For now I'm just relaxing with my free time and applying to jobs here and there.
- I told her how I felt about her, and that it was hard for me because these feelings were unwanted by her as well as I; and that I wish I didn't have them and could remain her friend just like always without this burden - but it's not something I can ignore and it's the reason why I'm emotionally unstable, leaving cryptic blog posts and such. So much to say, unsure of how to say it.
She said she was glad that I felt that way, that she couldn't offer me anything other than what she had already given (friendship), that I was a good friend and a good person to talk to, and that she only cares about her current love and doesn't have eyes (or want to have eyes) for anyone else. She's very devoted, and I think that's part of what attracts me to her. I know I push her away because I'm persistent (not trying to convince her to leave him or anything of that sort - but knowing how she's doing, asking questions about how her day was, being there; etc), and maybe I push her away because I'm always there. Always; Maybe I push her away because I know she's in a bad situation, and I tell her what I think is practical to do but it doesn't fit what she wants to happen. Sometimes she's looking for reassurance and I can't give that to her, and I hate myself for it.
You see, it was a few years ago that I just left. She and I didn't speak. She settled with some guy who was abusive to her and very controlling and he molded her into part of who she is today - he's partly to blame why her and I don't connect so well anymore. I regret what I did, the things I said when I was there; I regret every passing minute that I wasn't there and she needed someone. My fear is that if I go now, today, in any misguided attempt to remind myself why I care - or to find out if she cares if I'm gone or not; something will happen and I'll get pushed away further - or worse, lose her all together to something or someone. So I can't leave. I can't walk away from her like I have with so many women before when I've been fed up. She's Different and I don't know why...
Then there's unfounded fears I have, but they're there - like worrying if you're going to have nightmares when you close your eyes. You never know, and there's nothing you can do but dive in. I'm not the only one like this, chasing her - she has at least two other single guys that have promised to give her the world complete with kitchen sink, marriage, whatever she needs just like I have... (maybe more, I don't know; I don't ask, they make me jealous but not in a hateful kill-the-competition way). I feel like a voice lost in the crowd because of this, but there's nothing I can do to change it and that's for the best I'm sure. My fear is these guys (at least one of them, I've heard briefly of one, I know a lot about the other douche bag), while they're probably nice guys overall, how do I compare? If I'm putting myself out there to be there for her in a time of need, and she turns to someone else in that time - out of convenience, or for whatever reason; where does that leave me? What should I think?
I don't know. I don't want to know, I hate the thought of that day ever coming and hope it doesn't; but secretly I do - how can you not? I think anyone would aspire to know their future if given the chance, to ponder about what would be, what could happen. I want to know, but I don't because I'm afraid of the answer.
She's afraid to ask him to catch a plane and come live with her (she has the money and means to get him here) because she's afraid of his answer, afraid it might be a "no". I can tell her I know how that feels, I know all too well. It's a horrible feeling.
I give her these daylogs. Strange? Maybe, It's not a plea. It's not a "you should see it my way, I'm really great." Because I don't think I am, I think I'm certifiable; that perhaps if these thoughts were given to a psychiatrist she would prescribe an anti-depression, anti-psychotic, and restraining order. Maybe well deserved, but I give her these daylogs because I want her to see into the mind of someone who is willing to share their thoughts, their feelings freely; not with any anticipation that it will make any difference, inspire any changes in her, make her "see the light" or as any sort of self validation... But because the simple act of knowing the true uninhibited thoughts and feelings of others.... I don't know how that feels, is that liberating? is it a burden? Knowing that someone else knows how I feel, for me, that's.. liberating in a sense, because it doesn't matter what happens when those words are spoken. It's done. I guess it doesn't leave anything for the imagination, you'll never wonder what I'm thinking because I'm always willing to tell you.
Some people on here have told me this is unhealthy, to have these feelings. I would love to be able to agree with you, to walk away without a care because I truly have no chance - We all want what we can't have I guess. Sometimes when we get it, after awhile, we forget why we wanted it so bad.. I know I'm sick, and I don't think there's anything I can do about it, nor that I want to.
I've been listening to Placebo most of the week, currently playing Sleeping with Ghosts. That's all for now..
Soul mates never die,
Scuzzy