How to dispose of a body in North Wales

When I was a kid I used to go mountain biking on the hills and in the valleys of North Wales. Llangollen ("Klan-goth-len") was a particular favourite as it had a great little camp site by Valle Crucis Abbey (apparently a haunted derelict Abbey) just outside the village. One summer I had ventured particularly far from the campsite on my bike in search of some offroad. Having reached what must officially be the middle-of-nowhere I came across an old shed on top of hill. Curious, I hauled open the door to the shed (which took quite a bit of effort as it had rusted badly) and had a look inside. To my surprise, there were some grubby, moss covered steps leading downwards. I had a quick look around to see if anyone was about, padlocked my bike, and made my way down the steps. They didn't go very far, just to a dark, damp, smelly little "room" (for lack of a better word). It was here that my idea sparked. What a great place to dump a body!

So, in true Mr-Wolf-from-Pulp-Fiction style, here's how to dispose of a body in North Wales. You may of course want to remove any identifying features from the body beforehand (if you haven't already).
  1. Wrap your body in a sheet (not carpet! It's too heavy) or tarpaulin (helps keep the smell to a minimum and stops blood leaking) and tie *tightly* at both ends (prevents the body slipping out - you may want to use some rope too). Wrap the whole thing with another sheet and throw in a few Haze air fresheners and tie the top of the second sheet. No blood showing through? Good, now we're ready to rock n' roll.

  2. Go hire a small van. Aberconwy Car Hire, Llandudno, are pretty good and have been around for years (web address below).

  3. Get the "package" into the back of the van along with a shovel/spade and a torch/flashlight. You may want to do this at night and drive up to Llangollen. When you get to Llangollen, follow the signs for Valle Crucis Abbey. As you head out of the village, Crucis Abbey is on the right. You'll drive past it and then take a turning on the right. Follow the bumpy road down past the Abbey and off to the left. If your vehicle breaks down you should call Chris's Motors (based in Llangollen) who'll come out and fix any problems (flat tyre, out of petrol, etc) pretty sharpish. If you want, you can charge the recovery fee back to the car hire guys.

  4. After 5-10 minutes, you'll come to a metal gate. Open the gate, drive through, and close it again. From here on, it's just a set of dirt tracks. Follow the tracks carefully - don't go too fast, take your time, you're almost there. After about 20 minutes at a reasonable pace, you'll come to a line of trees (you can't miss it). There's a gap in the middle, drive through (you'll find another set of dirt tracks going through). Follow this set of dirt tracks up the hill for about 15 minutes until you come to the shed.

  5. Things should be easy from here. Get the body into the shed (you may have some difficulty with the door) and down into the little room. Place your body on the edge of the room. Start digging the grave using the length of the package at the edge of the room as a measure for length. Dig as deep as you can in the time you've got - the deeper, the better. And lets face it, out here you've got all the time in the world!

  6. Once you're done, open the package completely (be prepared for the stench) and roll the body into the hole. Place the sheets or whatever over the top of the body and start covering it.

  7. Once covered, and you've picked up everything you arrived with - torch, shovel, etc - get into your vehicle and go home. Remember to cleanup any mess *thoroughly* in the front AND back of the van. Burn the clothes and shoes you're wearing.

Related reading
Llangollen web site:
Car hire: