It's one of those days where I wonder if it's even possible to be happy. And if I could personally be, I still couldn't because of all the unhappiness around me.

One of my housemates from the previous summer died in a car wreck Friday morning. She was 21. It can all be over so quickly...I'm in shock, and I don't know what to do with myself.

I just found out, but have been thinking about such things all weekend. About how people die, people change, and people leave. There is no consistency. My grandmother is going to die, probably this winter my mother says. My father died. I left her, my sister left her. I feel guilty about this, leaving her alone. I feel guilty when I disappoint anyone. Does everyone eventually end up alone? I know this is the way life is, but it just makes me want to be part of it even less. I don't want to die, I just want to not exist, then my actions can't hurt anybody and I can't be hurt by theirs.