Perhaps it is so: that you have yet found no one who loves you enough, not just to tell you the truth, but to do so with tenderness and care, in a way that is the embodiment of love. Surely if such were to come your way, you would not shy away, nor argue against it, nor reject it as a lie, nor hate it as evil. If I am wrong in my sentiments, dearest, you may tell me in all your soundest wisdom to flee. But if instead I have shown you wisdom, then allow me space in your heart. For I wish to plant a seed within it, that if it is nourished, will bring warmth and fullness to overgrow in place of the coldness and barrenness you portray, and, beyond that, shelter you with protection, that none might ever steal that life which comes to well up within you, but instead that your enemy be vanquished, no longer to hold over you the power of despair.
Yet, if oppression is to be lifted, and you are to be alive and free, you must first take courage: Courage to believe that your depression is deception; there is a reason to carry on and live, and that this reason is the reality, not the fantasy of escape which has attempted to take root in your bosom. Despite the pain and hurt and pressure foisted upon you, the answer is not to cease...it is to thrive and prosper and overcome; yes, even to have VICTORY. You are here to SUCCEED.
Only, this is just the beginning, for it begs questions such as "What is Success? What is Victory?" "How is it done?" All good questions, dearest, and with an inclined ear and a soft heart, you will open yourself to grow in it; though, if you have read this far, you already know and have its root: love.
But, whence comes this love? How is it that we should know its contents, and contemplate its origins? For have not our faculties failed us on many an occasion? Could love be yet just another fantasy, a wishful thinking toward a hopeless cause? Nay, if you have eyes to see, you will know that money only makes certain people to go 'round, that is, is a motivator, but that love of it pushes out all other things of value, leading to evil; love is what truly makes the world to have harmony and the spheres to move in peace, that everything be right, and all should be goodness.
Yet if love is universal, and it governs over all things, to make them in their proper order, it must also transcend all things, so as to be their master, more powerful than their whims and beyond their ability to grasp it, that they might put it beneath their feet.
So what shall we say then, beloved? That love is like air, or like empty space, or like lofty thoughts? No, but love must be how the universe came to be; yes, love was how the universe was created, how its most intimate details were formed, just as the body which you call your own was knitted together in your mother's womb, and all the hairs on your head are numbered. So love must also be conjoined with light (for that is what causes the sun to glow and the stars to shine and the moon to reflect, and, as famous scientists prove, it is the governor over all matter), and therefore must encompass both knowledge and skill to operate with wisdom; and if it were a lie it would not be so consistent, but rather contradict, pull away, fall apart, fail to hold together--therefore love must also ally with truth.
So, love is not without substance. It cannot be some vast void or fleeting fantasy. If it were not real, we would not know ourselves, much less would we be able to know what we have investigated this far. What do you think? Does something really come from nothing? But if you are not foolish (and if you have remained with me thus far, you most certainly must believe in wisdom), then you must admit here something, no matter how much your fears and worries and painful emotions may want to speak to you against it. For we have uncovered the first principle of living. If we know love, then we exist; if we exist, there is a creation; if there is a creation, then there must be a Creator; and, despite what grief your most evil enemies have put you through to distort His image, therefore there must exist God, and He must also operate in love. Here we have our first faint light, a revelation into our inner selves, our souls: that "God is love" and that He conceived us in love. And so, we also have the first two clues to where more truth may be found, namely, that creation was purposeful and orderly and good, and that God has a character based in goodness and rightness and truth and love.
What do you think of these phrases: "And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you." "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."? Are they not declarations of love, as a father to a child, or a maker of that which is precious to Him?
Beloved, read the account of creation found in the Book of Genesis, and the story of the formation of man and woman; then ask yourself: does this not fit exactly with all we have said above? (I caution you; if your soul is fighting this, saying such things as "oh, it is just a story" or "it is not real" or "it was made by fallible men," then you are allowing yourself to be deceived, taking pride in knowledge which you have not worked to secure, and drawing conclusions which your studies have not proved. It is to take the liberty of what became the downfall to the same man and woman of that very story. So, if you are willing to have courage and to pursue love, then read on)
We have established that creation was good; however, if the goodness of creation were the final work to be completed, the book would close with the story of perfect harmony in eternal bliss. Why is this not what we see around us, then? Because this is not what happened in Genesis; rather, a problem occurred. Read on; see what good things God gave to the man and woman, and the abundance, thereof. Then, see the first command of God, and see what came into play against it--what caused them to disrupt their relationship with the living God, and the consequences that resulted. Yet, beloved, incline your ear as well, and make your awareness keen: note that God does not only enforce the consequences, as a parent who corrects a misbehaving child; he makes a promise of restoration, and a defeat of the one who instigated the discord.
If you wish to skip the pain that follows, I understand; only, realize that the lie which caused the separation between Adam and Eve and God is the same lie which rules over all who to this day do not know God and are not approved by Him (for this is His to give; no matter what we try to do, we cannot steal it for ourselves, even if we try to steal the name). It is the lie that we can be like God through our own choice and power; that we can be the authority and decisionmaker in all circumstances, and on our own--through the knowledge of good and evil, that is, the power to judge, rather than to follow God. This is what causes us, unprovoked, to inflict pain and destruction on others, and it is what causes us, even when we know better, to contemplate unfounded harm to ourselves, even suicide. That is, by not knowing God and His love, and instead keeping ourselves separate from Him and his light, we get overwhelmed, our vision gets darkened, and we contemplate horrible things, even against our own selves.
Yet, beloved, God is true and just and faithful, and, as promised in Genesis, this is the solution to the consequences set forth, just as recorded by Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Acts (which were based on real eyewitness accounts of real events) recorded it: Jesus, the Son of God, with love (meditate on this love!) came down from heaven to earth to proclaim peace and harmony with God by forgiving this separation from God--this sin--through paying the cost of reconciliation himself (the death of the sinful body and spirit by punishment; for who has lived so worthy that they can claim to deserve the life that they have?); instead of oppressing and destroying us, He offers the Spirit of God which led Him. Now, instead of being a slave to evil thoughts and and destined for eternal punishment, he has offered an abundant and eternal life of joy, if we accept Him and ask for His Spirit to teach us. Armed with this newfound life in the Spirit, we can then pray for it in and proclaim it to others!
I plead with you, beloved, that you would let the lover of your soul in, that he might take away the fears and worries and wrong ideation which cause you to despair and think of exercising the power to die; for you are loved, and you are made for the purpose of doing good, and and "You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Let Him come in and teach you, by His life and by His true teachings. Do not be proud or wise in your own sight; rather, follow Him as a learner seeks after all truth, thank Him as one rescued from death thanks his rescuer, and submit to His commands as a child submits to the orders of his parents, knowing that they are giving them out of love for his own protection and prosperity. Do not entertain any thought of doubt; rather, test all these things, and test all which oppose them to see which is really true, and take all waywardness captive, remembering that Jesus walked pure and sinless, and not only does He command us to follow His example, He offers to give us the power to do so, if only we will ask.
Beloved, you can rejoice also in this: if you see it through to the last three chapters, in the book of Revelation--which finishes where Genesis began--that it explains how the victory over Satan (the serpent) is secured, judgment of the enemies are carried out, and how eternal bliss with God is established.
So here we have come to a challenge that our soul must face; one that we cannot avoid, only either take it to us to cherish, or reject to the tune of our despair: that if we know that God exists, and we know He loves us, and that He has faithfully given himself for us, that we should love Him back, and be faithful to Him: "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." He also says: "See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the LORD your God that I command you today, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today, that you shall surely perish." Thus, it is not by fear or depression or despair that we perish, but by false worship: that is, believing wrong ideas and liars, false gods which claim that the true God is not real or powerful or loving. This is why the pamphlets you read say, "you must find your strength in God." It is not to lie to you and get you to drug away your pain; NO! Rather, it is to get you to realize, if you listen with your heart, that the real God must be for you, and must be there to help you overcome.
So, beloved, listen to the call of God, who is calling. For "The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." Do not be so proud as to hold fast to futility, and "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." And, beloved, know that "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." Therefore, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." After all, he says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
If your heart has been touched, and you have found love and life, then you shall no longer say, "Your God does not make me want to reconsider my thoughts about suicide;" for now you know Him, and know that he does give you good reason to live.