My life to this point has been dreadful. I have had little in the way of any good luck. In fact Everything 2 was going to get one of these entries earlier and it just killed it via a nice little death of my connection which was accomplished by a killing of the web client.
God's Bread that makes me mad!
There is just something about my life that I can't quite place properly in an environment in which I have to entirely think of all of it's scope.
Maybe I can recap as I seek out wordpad to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again.
What could I say that would make any difference to the whole sum total?
I can feel my life and experiences slipping away. I can feel a lack of faith in my own powers. I need to feel that confidence again but in another form that gives more stability. I need to not feel disperate from most of the things I am around.
I just have nothing that gives me joy or praise. I feel that there would just have to be something that could do this but I have little to make me feel that way.
I am most likely totally different from almost anyone here. I am from lower middle class background. I do not have any love interest. I am not terribly attractive. I in fact don't have any friends at all. I am alone. I feel like both a rock and an island rolled into one. No one gives a tinker's damn about my feelings. Most of all I think (as cheasy as it sounds and as repugnant as I want to think in these terms because of the subject matter) I am experiencing a classical Star Wars emotional cycle. This is the classic one of fear->anger->hate->suffering->fear->repeat cycle that was pointed out in said cinematic works.
I feel that no matter what my life has been fated in the stars and that I can't really do anything of any ease to break this infinite loop.
The only things that I have been able to even remotely "master" on the net have been silly things that really don't show any essential talent, or skill in terms of their ability to stand in any means. Those things being the success in one mud and having at least (by now) one above average slashdot account.
No one cares of my suffering for ideals for which there is little tangible reward. I just have ideas that could be termed something of an attempt to create ideal humanity.
Funny a little while ago I was thinking of writing my own fictional work. I was thinking that there was enough diatribe and more heart felt sentimentality that could be packed into some pages of human toil and given some meaning above baseness of calculatability.
Does anyone know of what I speak? Of course not because I have dinna speaked of it (pardon the Scottish burr). There is this one idea which could work quite nicely. Although it could have been done before.
The idea is to have a person (who I would assume would be thinely veiled as myself) who could be transported into a future time and look for a love which I have never seen this world would of course be an initially hostile one which would have all of the nice plot elements of a nice tale of Shakespearean proportions and would give everyone (but mostly myself) some form of hope.
Most science fiction outside of genres like Star Trek unfortunately initially to me has just given me the sense that these people have transplanted their vile social delimeas and ecconomic systems away from earth and caused a new set of problems in space.
Depressing books with depressing premises and depressing lingering notes of finality.
Maybe people can recommend really good science fiction that would say present a better view of the world/universe and maybe give hope. Or maybe there could be some nice fiction which would illustrate this process. Hopefully someone will read this but I shant hold my breath. Life is lonely and cold for the most part.
Some days I never really want to get out of bed. I have ened up still living with my parents and helping out on a paper route with my siblings for pocket change for them.
I do this to keep things together in a metaphorical sense.
I have a hard time moving on with the rest of my beginning life. Nothing to really keep me here. Nothing to interest me elsewhere. I am already working on a Bachelors degree in something that most likely won't be the original CS degree I had hoped would give me true mastry over the infernal machine.
But just terribly lonely.
Oh and I live in the United States of America so that means that I have little in the way of actual culture that I can call me own and little to make me a whole person.
I have tried to latch onto people who have done much and have had struggles like myself in the past. However these people seem so remote and their pasts different almost to the point of bipolarity.
Oh and I feel genuinely that the most I can look forward to in my future is just the choice where (metaphorically speaking again) I can place the noose out back to hang myself behind the barn if need be.
I really have thought that I would one day reconnect with my roots. I have thought of perhaps looking back and making connections with say Ireland or Hungary perhaps in the future as a way of connecting with my past (and that is way past like 200+ years past) or maybe with Scandanavia (people around here seem ignorant of the concept of English vs. Scandanavian beards and refer (like a former classmate did before I really had one) as a "neck beard". I sure would like to feel like a warrior instead of a nothing. An intellectualized nothing to boot.
And most likely I will die without ever seeing anything except this little place we call America.
I need to think positively however and concentrate on the good things that seem to be working themselves out to the surface. If only I could understand what said things were.