I feel like I am in a strange time of my life. A lot of tensions have been building in all parts of my life over the last year or so, and it's all coming to a head this summer.
At work, our group (a great bunch of really smart people who work well together) is being slowly dismantled by the new management. Our old bosses were forced out and replaced by some guys from IBM - they seem nice enough, but have told us they expect that we'll have to travel over half the time, do sales work, and so on. Before last fall, nobody had ever quit and nobody had ever been fired in the 4 year history of the group. Since then, we've been loosing people right and left, and it looks like by the end of the summer we'll all have bailed out for (hopefully) greener pastures. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. I think in a lot of ways this is a good chance for me, I wasn't really that happy with the job and I would like to find something more personally satisfying. This would surprise most people who know me, but what I would really like to do is work for some sort of non-profit progressive political organization, either as a tech of some sort, or maybe something else. I'm tired of feeling like I work so that some executive can get rich and treat us peons like dirt (example: last year they canceled the office Christmas party and then gave themselves bonuses). Something where I can go home and feel like I actually accomplished something that helped people. But it looks like tech jobs at DC non-profits are few and far between, so I don't know if that's going to happen.
I won't go into as much details about this part, as nobody wants to read another node about some girl, but I'm also dealing with what could best be described as a protracted breakup with a girl that I never dated. We were (and are) very close friends, and would talk for hours and tell each other basically everything, even those awful fears and insecurities you can never really talk about with most people (or at least I can't). A lot of intimacy and physical affection between us, and for me, a very strong attraction. Sadly, she didn't feel that part of it. I think we'll get past it eventually, and just be friends, though I sometimes worry that I'm going to end up forcing her away from me. Several times we've discussed if the right move for both of us is to just not talk anymore, but neither of us wants to give up on the friendship. This has been going on for about 6 months now, and it's wearing us both down.
Aaaannnnnd, I'm going to be moving in August. And I have no idea where, because I haven't been able to find a new job yet. Maybe into DC, maybe to Baltimore or Philadelphia, or who knows where.
I don't deal well with change in the best of circumstances, and this summer seems to be a whole lot of changes in all areas of my life. Sometimes I feel sort of paralyzed, like I really can't do anything. I had one of those days yesterday, and I don't believe I left the house at all except to smoke cigarettes. I wrote this primarily to help me form my thoughts and actually think about what is going on in my life these days, but thanks for listening.