In Utah, Seminary is the educational system of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The entire purpose of the system is to educate Mormon youth about the scriptures, and inform them of the evil ways of the world. It takes place during school - hence, it appears as RELEASE TIME on my schedule - but to keep the liberals happy, the building is off campus, across the street.

Of course I didn't sign up for Seminary - my parents enrolled me into class without even so much as a discussion. I've raised this point with them, but my dad's response is "it takes just as much effort not to participate as it does to participate". So, being the disillusioned Mormon youth that I am, I crossed out RELEASE TIME on my schedule and wrote NAP TIME. That more accurately reflects what I do in that class: sleep. It doesn't count on my high school credit towards graduation, so I decided to take advantage of it.

The lessons themselves are quite inspiring. For example, this year I'm studying my Book of Mormon, which is a great fiction novel about the journey to the Americas and the subsequent fighting. My Student Study Guide textbook warns me not to try to link the included map with any real place. I wonder why?

Anyways, today's lesson was slightly different. I was given a sheet of paper which turned out to be a sort of war simulation based on one of the chapters of the Book of Mormon - Alma and the 2000 stripling warriors, to be precise. I had a finite number of resources; I promptly allocated all of my resources to 'buy' prophets. Other people foolishly brought warriors, horses, and food, but my plan was a well-thought out masterpiece. My plan was to have my prophets prophesy that I would win the war; hence I win by default, assuming I buy real prophets and not false prophets. I lost in the second round, so they were all false prophets.

The kicker is this: the teacher told the class what the most pleasing battle plan to the Lord would be like, as evidenced by the Book of Mormon. Now, apologies to you Canadians out there, he posed a hypothetical situation:What if Canada invaded the United States?

Here's what the Lord would do:

  • Offer them a chance for peace. If they refuse:
  • Offer them a second chance for peace. By now, the Canadians have most likely taken over the United States
  • Offer them a third chance for peace.
  • And THEN fight.
I am not making this up