Sometimes I am amazed at myself. I'm far from a puritan, but I have actually been quite selective in my bedroom. Last night.. I was just vulnerable. I have been, ever since I let "him" out of my life. Six years, and even when it was bad, our dysfunctional relationship was my stability. This is the first time ever, in my adult life I haven't had that beacon.

Last week I said the most dangerous thing to me would be a guy who was trying to score, but when we talked.. actually listened to me. Not a spring break jock looking for some action, but someone who I connected with mentally.. but in the end was just looking for fun.

I know girls who want to fuck, just to fuck.. At times I have felt this way, even if I didn't act on it. I know sex and love don't always come in pairs. .. Last night I felt the connection.. I also knew what wound up happening was fucked up, my fault.. My objective was wrong. I missed being held, having someone wrap themselves around me, and feeling their soft breath on my neck.

So now I am here noding.. and he is asleep in my bed. I kinda wish he snuck out in the middle of the night, but instead we have plans to go to the beach.. I don't know how to act and what to say.. I hate the morning after..

The fucked up part is, Liz Phair was on repeat while we were.. well.. and the song Fuck and Run came on over 3 times.