Last night I took some anti-anxiety medication and slept later than I normally do. I drove Jill to school thinking about the moment when I could crawl back into bed, instead of immediately returning home I stopped in Delafield to take a walk. Even though I've lived near the town for decades, it wasn't until recently that I took the time to explore it. There used to be a restaurant called Jessica's on a corner, some of you may remember Marlene's Moon Pearls, that took place in Delafield and today it makes me happy that I have those memories of times when I could go to restaurants where the food was as pretty as it was delicious. I laid down after I got home, first I did some cleaning in the bathroom. I had the bright idea to put a bamboo rack in there thinking that it would be handy storage. It was, but it quickly became a dumping place for laundry and I was the major culprit so I can't even blame that mess on the girls (insert wailing emoji). It seemed like a daunting task, but once I removed the rack and started putting clothes into piles the time flew by. I wiped down the sink and counter, assembled our toothpaste collection in my orange and yellow bag, and left the dustpan and broom out for someone else to use because this is a shared bathroom and others can contribute if they are living in my place and contributing to dust accumulation.
At some point I sat down and started reading a book called The Game by Serano Kelley. I've had it for a while, started it, and let it get mixed up in the stack of books on my coffee table that I intend to get back to at some point in time. I remember last year when I was in the habit of waking up and reading first thing in the morning. A fantasy of mine is having one book in a designated spot that I read for a specific amount of time per day, but I think everyone who knows me realizes that when it comes to books I'm a stacker and I've largely made my peace with the fact that at any given moment there is a towering stack of randomly placed readables for my consumption. A friend sent me a text and I wanted to get back to her, my book was talking about people who are in your life and how to figure out what role they play. It spoke of mentors and as I sent a text to a friend I haven't heard from recently to see how her first holiday without her father had been (I didn't mention that part, just asked how she as doing) I thought I would go through my phone and make a list of the things I admire about the people I talk and text. I was going along when I ran into someone I haven't heard from recently.
The book is pretty specific when it comes to who is helping you and who is hindering you. Years ago a woman I know told me about a book that discusses basement and balcony people. I took a deep breath, decided not to overthink things, and composed a text. I liked it because it was truthful, honest, and objective. One of the things I despise is being manipulated. I try very hard to avoid doing it and it infuriates me when others try to get away with it, mostly because that's not how my brain works, I don't always recognize it when it's happening, and then I don't know how to deal with those people since I feel like they have the upper hand when it comes to my emotions. I've read a lot on how to recognize it and minimize the damage and it still seems that I run into these people or encounter them more than I would like. Sometimes you can't distance yourself from others who are toxic, but today I ran the text by myself, asked if I was being manipulative myself, and decided that the text had no strings attached. Motivation and intention are important to me, more than the words, I want people to know that they have no obligation toward me and the information I'm sharing is being freely given without expectations.
After my cleaning stint I was tired so I laid down for a while. I'm not sure how long I slept, but I was out and it felt really good to wake up feeling more refreshed. The phone had woken me up (I think), it was the receptionist from PT and she is definitely a mentor and role model in my life. I chatted with her until she had to get going, then I went back to tackling the projects I wanted done. I made a pile of bedding, threw tags I found on the floor in the trash, hung up laundry, and layered my daughter's possessions on top of her bag. I have a set of bunk beds and nobody uses them. I'm trying to decide if I should keep them and figure out what would make the people I live with use the storage space, or I should cut my losses and get rid of the crazy thing. It's a pretty set and there's a lot of storage which is one of the main reasons I wanted it, but we aren't using it and I know there are people who would, so I want to make a decision about this soon as it's on my mind and taking up space and neither of those things are fabulous for me. After I picked Jill up from school we went to buy groceries. I did a new thing today and I hope it works. Instead of pretending that my family was going to feast on and appreciate the meals I make when I feel like cooking I asked Jill what she wanted for lunch and supper, went to the store, and bought that.
I addressed the shared living space issue and she agreed that she should be responsible for tasks around a place where she spends time. My plan for now is to move a desk into the closet, move the bookcase where the desk was, and move the Amish drying rack where the bookcase was. I'm going to get rid of my laundry sorter. It was a friend of mine when I had a basement the size of my house, and it's just too big for the space I have despite its functionality. I sent my family members a text asking if they wanted it and got a maybe from my middle sister. The thrift store is across the street, if they don't get back to me, off it goes. I'm also trying to decide what I should do with the snack station I set up a couple months ago. It seemed like such a great idea at the time, it wasn't a bad idea, but we just don't use it the way I had envisioned. I may end up getting rid of those racks too. One of the things that holds me back is hanging on to the wrong things because I have some sort of emotional attachment to them. In this case I like the racks and can see so many possibilities, but I am also pretty good about recognizing when a purpose is not being served and moving forward because I know once I do, I will have more space and peace.
Would like to write more, but need to make an appointment. I'm really proud of myself for the growth I've experienced these past few days. I sent a mini novel to my unicorn friend for helping me reach my deeper emotions. More than anyone else in my life she has made me feel unconditionally accepted and that is just huge to me. At first I wasn't sure she was real. Then I couldn't figure out what she was getting out of the relationship since it seemed one sided and I dislike it when I feel like I am taking things from others without giving them anything in return, but then I realized that I do support her and try to brighten her days. I gave her the 401(k) paperwork and have done other things for her. Last year a woman we worked with had some trouble with her vehicle. I can't remember who offered money first, but either she did or I did, together we put my hundred dollar bill in an envelope and my friend slid it into this other woman's locker. I wasn't sure if I was going to be paid back, but I know you have to test people at times. It took a while, but I got the money back, and then I felt so good about what we had done. The recipient completely did not deserve that money and never thanked me for the gift, I was crabby about that until my manager told me that sometimes those are the people who need gifts most. Since then I try to find those who are ungracious and undeserving and give freely so they can experience what that feels like. It helps me, them, and makes the world a better place which makes me happy. Today I am excited. Money is still an issue, that's on my list of better habits along with planning, but I feel great about what I accomplished today.
Until next time,
Jess
P.S. Planning helps, but I also like it when I have a mental plan and tick things off. I did that today, went through what I wanted to get done last night before I went to bed and I only have two things left so that was nice. I love the library, just being here makes me feel better. I don't care what my friends say about people who have a daily library habit. This is a positive in my life and I am pumped for the opportunities I feel are created here.
Much love,
j