Last night I did not get much sleep. I drank a bunch of water before I went to bed, I've been unusually thirsty lately, I don't know if I'm just out of sorts from the stressful week, or it was something else, but I had a bunch of weird dreams that I'd rather not remember. I did not go to church or Bible study. Instead I laid in bed until I was ready to get out of it. Once I was fully ready I puttered in the kitchen. I roasted some vegetables, steamed some broccoli, and avoided eating any of the pumpkin muffins until later. I really haven't felt well lately so when this guy that I went out with twice asked if I wanted to get together, I said I really wasn't up to it.
The day went on, I ate lunch, a neighbor sent me a text and asked if I wanted to join her at the pool. I still wasn't feeling fabulous, but thought I could use a short walk and some activity, plus it's always nice to be able to catch up with a good friend. I don't know how long I was at the pool, but left after what I thought was a short while, perhaps half an hour or so, maybe forty-five minutes, probably not an hour. I took a shower, put my pajamas on, ate a muffin, made some tea, and lounged around, scrolling through Twitter until it became the same monotony. Hall of Fame, politics, updates on games, random posts from vacationing friends, I was out of sorts and decided I needed to put my phone down for a while.
I'm really down today. It feels as if I am stuck. I need sleep and am not getting enough, or good quality sleep when I am sleeping. This is a problem. I read an article on people with high functioning anxiety, who knew this was even a thing? I didn't until I started going down the list. It describes me well and that was depressing. I guess on the bright side I am considered to be a somewhat functional member of society (yay!), but it doesn't remove the feeling in the pit of my stomach. A friend sent me a text about German Fest. He and his girlfriends try to get me to go, I'm just not into festivals which are token nods to a mother country with lots of booze, food I can't eat anyways, and not a whole lot of actual culture.
I feel as if most of my life is not tired enough to go to sleep, and not quite awake enough to do much of anything. That being said I was somewhat productive today. I hung two loads of laundry, actually got into the pool, hung out with a friend, managed a short nap, and even read a couple pages in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families. The guy texted me again and told me he was going to come over and drag me out of my place and my pajamas. He was joking. It was not amusing. I wished him good luck with that and think he could tell that he had crossed a line.
He said something and then apologized. I forgave him, but I'm annoyed. I can't stand it when people do things like that. It feels disrespectful, condescending, and controlling. If I want to lay around wearing my pajamas and forgo an opportunity to spend time with him, then he should accept that. I'm not in the mood to deal with him, seeing my neighbor is one thing, she knows me well, and I feel very comfortable around her. I didn't want him over here, I didn't want to go anywhere to meet him, I have the right to tell someone that today is not a good day, and I don't appreciate that being challenged. Part of me feels like a raging bitch, the other part of me thinks that I should be the judge of who I want to meet, and when.
Today I miss the girls. I miss them a lot. I miss them to the point that I want to reach out, and I might. Past experience tells me that they will blow off or otherwise ignore me, but the mom in me wants them to know that I care and I'm thinking about them. My stomach hurts, my head is kind of achy, I'm alternatively cold and then hot. It was sunny earlier and rainy now. I don't want to go to work tomorror, or ever really. But I'm done searching for another job for now. I'm going to order the insurance material, study, and pass the tests. I know things that can help others, I would be great at it, and it's not the money, I want everyone else to have what I didn't and really needed. So that's my plan. I just have to implement it, and I will, but only when that feels right, to me.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I am really proud of myself for getting into the pool. Pretty sore from a super short outing which is disappointing, but at least I went. Something to build on, same with making those vegetables. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Rome wasn't built in a day and my life won't change overnight either.
j