Weird dreams last night. One where I broke a sink full of dishes. Another where I was at the hospital for an unknown reason. I was walking around and talking so it wasn't anything too serious. I looked at the time and realized I was going to be late to work. But I couldn't call because the drawer full of old cell phones didn't have mine in it. I thought I could go to work and was told no in very final terms. My oldest daughter was there. She pulled several pairs of glasses out from under this slot that I didn't see earlier, but we never did manage to come up with my phone. I'm sure the dream means something, that I feel I'm not a good parent, that I feel as if I need to be hospitalized as a way to protect me from some of the things going on at work, blah, blah, blah, you get the picture. I woke up feeling groggy, but did manage to take a short walk outside. Hooray for movement!
At work I found out that I had transposed some things on a chart. I don't remember doing this, but it was messed up when I looked at it, I hate it when I feel like others are double checking my work and micro managing me. Ever since I spoke to my boss about the woman I work with, I notice that a lot of comments and extra close review of what I do are sort of ongoing procedures. It makes me feel as if I've done something wrong, even if I have, I'm still relatively new, and I didn't really get the training I should have which is on them. I walked on eggshells at work after learning that we're going to be having weekly sales meetings again. Rarely have I been in a sales meeting that actually accomplished anything, but I guess this could be that exception to the rule.
Today I was talking with another woman at work and she said that the guy who talked to me has a reputation for being gruff, but this is new. He wasn't like this before. I don't like it, but don't know what I can really do. The other sales person is being included in the meeting so it doesn't totally feel as if people are gunning for me, but it doesn't feel like this is a positive either. My new strategy is to keep on keeping on the way that I have been. I'm so tired I don't even want to look for a new job. I need sleep and for now this job is the one I have and there are reasons to stay there, probably my comfort zone being one them, the devil you know is at least one that is somewhat familiar to me. Trying to just not worry about things because what good does that do anyways?
Making the best of my life one minute at a time because that's really all I can do. I eat fairly well, I'm committed to change, if I get fired, well, I have been there before, if I learn something new at these meetings, that will be a bonus. Everything is happening as it should, and I'm going to practice being content with my lot in life because I have many things that I want, love, and many of the needs that have gone unmet for many years are becoming less of an issue. I'm able to love myself more, forgive others, see how I can be an agent of change, and laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of many things. I ate a bowl of vegetables before I went to work, then got very anxious and ate a bunch of snacks. It was pretty boring after everyone left, I chatted with another woman for a while, then did some actual work too. Still trying to figure out the office politics at that place, but she was talking to me, so I feel that's okay.
All my best,
Jess
P.S. I keep thinking about the things I think would make my life better; two bedroom place, new(er) car, debt retirement, child support review, yoga or other exercise class, YMCA membership, cleaning lady, budget, dedicated retirement percentage, more meals with the girls when they are home. That's within my reach and I feel great about that. I have done a lot of things, sacrificed in the past, and it feels pretty good to be where I'm at today, looking back at how far I have come, and with so little support. Today is a good day to be me.
j