Today: Woke up after alarm went off but laid around for a while. Cleaned the bathroom, paid special attention to disinfecting the tub after listening to Jon Tesh explain that these were germ filled, often neglected areas and I'm nervous about Jill's foot getting infected since the biospy site has not fully healed. My back is really sore and I'm not sure what I did to aggravate it. Last night I went for a leisurely bike ride. The girls stayed at home by themselves, I wanted to see how they would do and thankfully they were both well behaved as the TV was going. Yesterday Jill went to laser tag with her sister but had to sit down as her foot started bothering her. It's nice that the visiting nurse association is willing to drop meds off but it would almost be easier to pick them up myself since our summer schedule involves a lot of back and forth trips to and from summer school locations.

While I like to think of myself as the forgiving sort, once certain lines are crossed, I have a hard time going back to the way that things were. This was the subject of a conversation this morning which I won't get into but was upsetting. Last year we bought Jill a larger bike for her birthday. This morning we took her younger sister out for a spin on her bike while Jill was at her Harry Potter class. When she was in the hospital she expressed regret that she was missing so many of her sessions, the art therapist came to make a wand with her which helped a little. Jill painted a mask and she watched a lot of TV in the hospital so I was grateful that she had a creative outlet. We're thinking about getting Jane a bigger bike for her birthday. I feel really bad but with Jill being in the hospital we are really behind on a lot of things including party planning for Jane's birthday - these things always come up faster than I think they are.

Tomorrow Jill has two appointments, one with her regular pediatrician and another to visit a pediatrician we might be switching to. While I really like the first pediatrician I want someone who practices functional medicine as well as traditional. From reading the new doctor's bio I'm hoping that I have found someone whose lifestyle and philosophy is in line with what I believe. The doctor I wanted to get the girls into is not accepting new patients but I am hoping that this woman will be a good fit for our family. Jill has not been eating well so she's lost a few pounds. She went to both of her classes today and I think she overdid it. I made both of the girls lie down after lunch. Jane slept for a bit but I think Jill was up the entire time.

Jill's inflammatory markers are still elevated. That is a cause for concern even though I know that a bone infection is difficult to treat. Typically the infection is caused by one of three bugs, two of which are staph and strep. Cultures for one of the three can take up to two weeks to grow so we may have some waiting time before we can find out what is causing the infection. We've settled into something of a routine. Jill has five doses of IV antibiotics over the course of a twenty-four hour period. One is every twelve hours and the other is every eight. It isn't difficult to administer but the one dose takes about an hour to complete so there's a fair amount of waiting around we have to do. Fortunately the grenade style is portable so she can walk around instead of being confined to one spot.

I'm trying to stay optimistic and positive and focused while getting things done around the house but it is really hard. I'm tired, there's more paperwork to deal with, the meds were supposed to be delivered this afternoon and they still haven't arrived which is making me fidgety. I'm glad I got the bathroom done, Jill ate a salad and part of a burger for lunch. She's supposed to have as much protein as possible but she didn't want an egg for breakfast and I decided not to push it. The pharmacist said that whatever we can get into her is good. Her appetite was okay at lunch but a handful of apple slices with some peanut butter should not have held her until one o'clock which is when we had lunch. I did my yoga DVD but my back doesn't seem better, wish me luck going forward, it looks like I'll be needing it.

Posting this a day late so as a bonus you get two logs in one! The holistic/conventionally trained pediatrician was not what I expected. I may have to keep searching until I find someone I really like, still thinking about my options and what I want to do. The nurse came out for Jill's dressing change. She said that Jill's arm looked good and foot did as well. My uncle was in from out of town so we met up with him and my dad. I'm glad we went even though it meant that the girls were up very late. I stayed up way later than I should have but I started organizing the bathroom closet but waking up to a less cluttered closet was so nice. There's a rumor about a bleeding eye statue at our local cemetery. Jill wants to take a friend to explore but then Jane has nothing to do - I feel bad since we didn't send her birthday invites out on time as Jill was in the hospital, I feel like that poor kid is always getting the shaft. Yesterday I bought some raw milk cheese to see how that would go over with the tummies in my family. Kind of hard to explain how much I have missed cheese.

There's an apartment for rent near where the girls go to school. As badly as I want to move out, right now, I can't afford it. Currently no one in my family takes any vitamins or supplements, I believe that there is a level of health that many people I know aren't aware of and don't seek. I don't want to look good, I want to feel great. I want to be the mom who can keep up with her kids on the soccer field or throw some snacks in a backpack and take off on a bike ride. I'm tired of living in fear, pain, and denial and it's been hard to acknowledge the numerous opportunities I have missed but at least now I know that things like that are out there so I can add them to my list of future hopes and dreams. Yesterday a guy who follows me on Twitter told me that one of his friends died in a car accident, I felt bad for him and I don't want to minimize anything he is going through but that exchange made me realize how many levels there are to sites like Twitter where there is a lot of superficial fluff covering deeper issues.

The other day I noticed that there was a definite distinction between the hair on the top of my head and the hair that hits my shoulders. I have a ring that separates the light from the dark and it wasn't until I saw a red mark on my forehead that I realized my bike helmet blocks the sun from the top of my head. So I have a weird hair color transition that probably looks really funky in back but I can't see it and I'd rather have the rides and the memories than uniformly colored hair although I'm still self conscious about it. Jill's nurse said that she can take her IV treatment with her if she needs to. This is another thing that is stressing me out but I need to start letting go of some of my fears that bad things are going to happen since I can't control everything. There are so many things spinning through my mind right now, I have to find a way to channel that into productivity. Now that the bathroom closet is back in order, I'm going to tackle the one in the hall.

Thanks for reading and please, keep in touch.