I'm reading a book called Let Go And Live In The Now. So far I really don't care for it, but I keep opening it back up in case I suddenly fall in love. Even though I've made a lot of progress that I don't want to minimize, I'm still very disappointed in myself. Getting divorced was my chance to do a lot of the things I haven't done in the past that I've told myself I wanted. While there are things that I have done, I'm still mad at myself for kind of sitting around when I could have been doing other things. Things like hanging out with my family more. Things like yard work and just being outside because it's summer and we have a long cold winter ahead of us. I'm angry and upset that I've made small and large purchases that frittered away my money. I'm scared for my daughter and furious with myself and my ex for being two people living our separate lives at the expense of our children's well being. I'm upset with him for writing this latest incident off as no big deal and not paying attention to some alarming behaviors that indicate that all is far from well. I'm annoyed that my back hurts because I've spent more time sitting around than exercising. I'm not happy because I have a great relaxation CD that I haven't played in days even though I know it makes me feel better when I play it and follow the instructions. My car needs an oil change, I haven't saved the way I had planned. I still have laundry in the basement that needs to be folded because I bought a new ironing board and haven't found a cover I liked yet.
That showed me that I need an ironing board to fold laundry. I have my daughter's clothes and personal possessions out in the garage. They stink so badly from her roommate's air freshener that I can't bring them into the house. I washed her bedding last night, but the scent continues to linger. I have no idea what it is, but it is making me practically climb the walls it's so awful to me. I want a new dining room table and chairs. I want to get the house painted. I want the mouse problem to be dealt with, I want the windows replaced before we go through another winter of leaky windows that don't keep the chill out. I want molding and trim installed. I want the carpeting torn out in the back room and I'd like to get a rug or some other floor covering to replace the carpeting. I want a new patio door that doesn't sag, I want a plan for the sun porch and garage, I want to keep writing and keep walking and daily put in the routine gritty work that doesn't seem like it will ever add up to anything, but will if I keep at it. I want to get rid of the clothes I have and buy new things that suit me better. I want to go out on a couple of dates that aren't too serious. I want to be able to live without the anxiety and depression that I never want to admit that I have. I stayed up too late watching the Rangers game and I'm annoyed with myself for not going to bed earlier. I have to do AV at church and now I'm wondering why I volunteered to do that. I'm still in need of a job, I think I'm going to go talk to my friend Mary Sue at the shoe store and see if she'll give me a job. It isn't really what I want, but it's what I know and something I would be good at. Keeping this short because I have to get ready, but I hope the rest of you get whatever encouragement and support you need today...