Aw Fuck!

I haven't been here lately, instead I have been studying for exams and playing Final Fantasy IX. I can't believe I like such a stupid game with quotes like "I may be Queen but I'll always be myself!" and "It is the power of friendship that makes us strong!". Ugh. Worse than the Spice Girls. Maybe if I liked the fighting I would have an excuse, but I don't. I only play because I am dying to reach the conclusion.


Tomorrow is my last exam. I hate it but I signed up for the bullshit so I might as well follow through. Then I can be free floating, with no earthly string. The exam is at 7:00 pm which means I have to study all day tommorrow too. When the exam is over, I can live again. Next semester is my last of University... I have to go through an attitude adjustment before then, my angry feelings make me think I am hurdling to disaster. I just have to grit my teeth, straighten my back and pull out the iron discipline. I never thought it would be this... empty. It is all my fault too. My stupid decisions landed me here. I have run from so many things that now I am stuck nowhere.

I must make steps in the right direction. I have made a few this year, but not enough to make up for all of the lost time. Because I am here frittering my time away. My family thinks I am a loser. They regret what happened to me, how I was ignored as a kid, all the lonely years of my Mom's drinking and no one was around. I had to learn everything by myself and constructed a shoddy life for myself. Now they look at me like I am nothing but a sad result. I simply cannot see myself this way or else it will mean my demise. I can't survive and build if I see myself like that. I am so tired. I want to be free of this. But I have to be strong to be free.