everything changes. everything falls apart.

this is different. but these fingers do seem attached to me, and these limbs and this head - all mine. how very peculiar.

i would begin this with something along the lines of in my absence were it not for the fact that i have been here, daily, observing. i'm mostly sure now that it is what i am best at.

i think this is what it's like to be happy. i'd spent so long trapped inside of my own brain that i am not entirely sure what happy is supposed to feel like but i think that this is it, anyway. still ups and downs though and i am thankful for this. i never expected to use antidepressants, it still frightens me to alter the chemicals inside of my head but then - isn't that what i was doing with my escapist tendencies? i should think so. i suppose mostly this little section is for anyone who might stumble across it who suffers from a consistently deranged head that chooses more often than not to leave you numb, cold, and a little bit more dead than any living person should be. two little capsules each night and i am the one who decides when i will go outside, when i will talk to people. two small pills and i don't pray for sweet death for weeks at a time.

this is not to say i think it will work for everyone.. but i do have to wonder how many people are like me. hesitant to try anything that might help for fear of losing yourself. but the truth is you can tell if the dose is too high. this was a comfort to me, despite the numb unfeeling that gripped me for a couple of days. i simply had to mess with my dose a while to figure out which worked best and i think that despite the initial fears it has been worth it. it took almost four months before i found the right dose and let it take hold but, having said that, it seemed a far cry from the many, many years i spent tortured by my own head.

aside from this rambling on about medication i thought i would toss out a few words regarding what i have been up to the last while for any curious citizens of the internet. i've managed to drop my weight considerably - hey, what do you know? a healthy set of eating habits and daily excercise really can do wonders. (not that i don't partake in the occasional - okay fairly frequent consumption of chocolate cake.) it turns out you can even get away with consuming a decent amount of chocolate if you're willing to set aside an hour or two for excercise every day.

i've finally managed to get away from the immense stress of long distance relationships. i won't even begin to say that this past one wasn't worth every bit of the stress - it was. it changed me, i loved him, it was wonderful to travel and experience everything that i did. i'd go as far as to encourage a long distance relationship, really. i am personally just finished with it and have found myself in love with someone much closer. while i won't say it hasn't been just as taxing at times, i am very glad for the change. relationships require a lot of work and it has taken me quite some time to realize the enormous amount of patience and compassion required for two people to exist with their lives so closely entwined.

that being said, i still have so much to do. so much of my life is beginnings right now. so many paths, doors to be opened, that sort of thing. at least i've the frame of mind that these things are possible now.

i miss boston, sometimes a lot. i miss the people mostly, the streets and the way it felt to walk alone in enormous crowds of strangers. it just doesn't happen out here, not really. all surrounded with tiny baby goats and any number of other creatures. i adore it, though. i've just had to accept that there are two very different people in my head - half of me belongs to tall buildings and anonymity.

the other half will always be right here.