No, I'm not afraid
Of death
Or strife
Or injury
Accidents, they are my friends
Yeah, I lost a lot today.
It's in the void now, educators. My growth? The void. My foundations? The void, yes sir. My understandings, all the
plans and veils and the sleep(Oh god, the sleep), I'd let my guard down for a moment, where did it all go?
No blood or tears in the void, brethren. Yes, it's that fast. No, it will not
start raining just for your tragedy. Yes,
rationalization will make it worse. I lost an entire way of life today.
There will be lots of time left, I already know. There will be things left to be done, I'm confident. But now there will be very little planning. It will not be comfortable.
The first step is losing everything, I guess - I've seen this. It's just so much easier to fight for half the day if you know you'll be able to sleep in a warm, familiar place for the other half.
I lost effort. It's extremely difficult to find things I'll apply myself to. I lost application. I lost time management. I lost things I was counting on. There will be no
deus ex machina. There'll just be reflexes. Old habits I thought I would be able to break now that they don't make sense. But
my fingers will still do what they've always done. My fingers don't quite understand yet.
I lost intentions. I lost emotions. I'm sure there are people ready to accommodate me. I'm sure there are people that will always be here any time I need to be patronized. You've changed since then. I've changed since then. And I tried. I mean, I really tried, for the first time ever. But it's snapped.
Let's see how much I can leave behind and still survive. To be honest, it doesn't feel like ashes coming down all around me as much as it feels like a haircut. After it had been a long, long time.
I feel betrayed.
Most of these things that will come of these pregnant seasons before me will reflect something that's not there anymore. This day will be a point of reference to nearly every moment I have to myself. And
if I am alive this time next year, I will have done and said some extraordinary things. Because I'll still be patient. I'll still be conscious. I'll still be burning. It's just that
I've got nothing left to love.
I mean, I've lost pride before, and I've lost shame before. I've lost my sense of identity, I've lost weight both literally and figuratively,
I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost a lot of time. I've never lost anything this important before. And yeah, I don't think I'm really afraid. That's the worst part. I already know how and where to help myself find a better place. I already know how to not feel sorry for myself. It's so cold, how strong I am. And what I have to do to fight. Or cope. But I will probably be back, because
as nice as it would be to fall, it seems I'm destined to make it.
"Cause life ain't about fallin on your face. And it's not about gettin back up either. It's about swimmin in the stardust WITHOUT livin in the past.
And that's hard."
- some ghost of some past life