Having not been around quite as much as I would like recently it came as quite a shock that I was able to settle back to e2
just as easily as before. For a start a lot of things have been happening for me so getting onto a computer may have been a little bit hard. However, as my computer is currently dead I find it hard to reach a computer that lets me spend time, noding away to you. Tonight, however, I have borrowed my Father’s computer and can spend a good length of time with you. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have enough time for myself. I am always rushing around and when I do have chance to think I realise that I perhaps need some more “me” time.
Last week was like one long rollercoaster of emotions and I must say that physically and emotionally I am absolutely exhausted. The weekend was mainly spent in utter worry of what was about to happen to me; something that I knew would be with me for the rest of my life. It scared me and so I had just left it at the back of my mind for weeks, hoping that it would go away. It exploded this week though, like I’d been stabbed in the heart. I haven’t been well: my mouth was dry, I kept going to the toilet and I was exhausted all the time. We put it down to the stress and pressure that was on me surrounding my forthcoming exams but deep down I knew something wasn’t right.
On Monday I made the trip, with my Mother, to the doctors to find out exactly what was wrong. I had a blood test, among other things and then I was told that I have diabetes. My world seemed to come crashing down around me. I wanted to scream and shout but most of all I just wanted to cry, to curl up into a little ball and cry my eyes out. I knew that from that moment on I was no longer a care-free sixteen year old girl. At that point I had never wanted to rebel more in my life, I wish I had done more rebelling whilst I could because now I have to be sensible and being sensible for the rest of my life isn’t going to be much fun really. The next few days were a blur of doctors and hospitals. I was told what it was. What I had to do. What I couldn’t do.
That wasn’t really the worst part of the week though, because at least I knew what was wrong with me. I knew that I would be getting better soon. The worst part of the week was how people treated me differently, as though the diabetes affected the person I was. The support that I received was greatly received but I am just sick of people looking at me as though I am about to die or something. They give you that look of sympathy or put on their concerned voice. They were never bothered before so why should they be now? Sometimes I see people looking at me and I feel like some kind of freak. I am the same. I haven’t changed.
Things will pick up though, I know they will. Many great things will come out of this and over the last week I have thought of a number of things that make me realise that maybe life isn’t so bad. For one, I can’t drink that much anymore so I will never have a hangover again. Two, at the moment I am not allowed to eat sweet things so there is a hope that I will shed a couple of pounds. And three, my fear of needles will soon disappear. If I can face this and come out the other side smiling I can face anything, wouldn’t you say? I am still here and I am definitely still smiling.