It sometimes seems that while others are changing themselves all the time, I
haven't changed significantly in years. I try not to ever be too down on myself,
but instead of avoiding depression, which is what I tell myself when I avoid
self-critical thoughts, I'm merely avoiding change. And if anyone ever needed
change, it's me (while that's a vast overstatement, I'm leaving it in because I
think it's time to kick my own ass). In the past three years, it seems I haven't
left this cozy room, this comfortable chair, this nice computer except to eat,
shit, and go to class. Sure, I have my excursions to pdx, but that's like
another person, a person I've invented. Idealized Ryan. Cool Ryan that likes to
try new things and almost doesn't eat meat and listens to cool music and does
creative things. Which is absolute bullshit. I've been stuck in a feedback loop
for three years, and spiral is tightening. I haven't seen a movie in ages. I
haven't gone out to see music in ages. I haven't walked anywhere or biked
anywhere or seen any friends other than the ones who call me in $deity knows how
long. I've almost flawlessly withdrawn from life here in Seattle. I dream of
moving after college is eventually over, but a move to a different city where I
start the same thing is going to do exactly nothing to change me. I'll end up
like I am now: measuring the change in seasons by how the light gets in my eyes
at different times of day through my closed blinds.
It's time for a real fucking change.
And as life tends to do when a change is needed, an opportunity has presented
itself. Monumental. A vast undertaking, one that will require a change in how I
live on every level.
I'm going to bike across the country. I will touch the Pacific, I will touch the
Atlantic. Chris is doing it to step out of his boring school rut; I will do it
to step out my boring life rut.
Of course, I can make all the big showy declarations I want, but what counts is
action. So I hope this daylog will serve as a marker, a marker that says, "this
is the day, today, that I begin to change."
I need to go now. I've got a lot to do.
If anyone has any tips on how to go from zero to ultra biking machine in 6 months, I'd appreciate it. /msg or firstname.lastname@example.org.