Dear Dr. Everything,

Recently I have started to wonder whether my drug dealer is truly concerned about my emotional and physical health. I have known this individual for years now, and we have maintained a mutually beneficial relationship. He always holds back the "good shit" for me, and I occasionally get all fucked up on PCP and beat one of his competitors to death with a brick. Right now you could be thinking, "Why, this is such a healthy symbiosis that nothing could jeopardize this arrangement!"


Last week, my dealer — seeming to exhibit his benevolent nature — offered me a quick job. All I had to do was swallow a balloon filled with an unknown substance (tying one end of the string to the balloon and another to my tooth for easy retrieval) and deliver it to a man waiting at an abandoned factory on the outskirts of town. To make a long story short, I got all fucked up and just smoked the shit.

The next day I went to my dealer, preparing to confess my failure in delivery service. Apparently he was already aware of my actions. I understand that I betrayed his trust and expected to be moderately disciplined, but I feel that the repetitive blows to the face and having my kneecap shot out was a bit over the top. Do you think that I can save our relationship, or should I consider moving on?

Please help,
Chemically Confused