I have been debating
writing this node for a long time. Writing any node
for a long time.
I am suicidal
There is no reasoning around, no way to ignore it. I am what I am.
But I am not ashamed of being suicidal, there is not shame in that. I am ashamed cause I have no reason to be. I will be the first to admit it. I can not come up with one seriously good reason to end my life.
I am 19 years old.
I have a free ride to college (American University).
I have a girlfriend who deeply cares about me.
I have good friends who would be there if I asked them to.
I do well in school.
I have parents, who though we may not be close, still love me.
I have a life that many people would kill to get.
So why, or better yet, how, can I even justify feeling the way I do? I can't. And so onto the sadness is added guilt. Guilt for not being happy with my life. Guilt for not being content when I have more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I remember the good old days of freshman year in high school, back when I had better reasons to feel like I do. My life has improved beyond recognition in the past 6 years. So why don't I feel better? I wish I knew. I have looked for answers. I searched the Internet. I searched here. I read some touching nodes on suicide, and I read those that were inflammatory. They all just made me cry more.
But there were no answers
There are no answers
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I must have been, or at least felt like, the only fourth grader who contemplated killing themselves. It has always been there, in the back of my mind, the final solution to any problem.
If I fail this test, I can always kill myself.
Maybe that does make me a selfish bastard. Maybe I am wrong for how I feel.
I do not know.
I do not understand.
There are no answers, there is no solution.
So I wrote this node, to a group of complete strangers. I could have told my friends, told some people that cared. But I can't. I won't. I have been on everything2 for over a year, and none of you know me. That's fine. Because perhaps that is the only way I can talk to you.
I will not kill myself tonight. I will not kill myself tomorrow night. I might never kill myself. But the thought will always be there, the feeling in the back of my mind. The desire. The urge, to hurt myself. Maybe because I feel guilty for having a lack of problems. Maybe I just want to feel pain. Maybe a chemical imbalance.
I do not know
I do not understand
I am sorry for clutturing the database like this. It is not something I would normally do. But I had to get this out of me. I had to tell someone, even if it was no one I know.
The pain hurts, and I want it to go away.