Thursday night

He always moves a little closer each time we meet...something he says or does, giving me signals I'm not sure he knows he's casting. It's always the same cycle of events... we meet, I get nervous, my heart pounds, I talk too much, he notices my fidgeting hands, my rambling mouth... and he just sits there calmly...too tired to fill the silence that bothers me at the beginning.

Out of nowhere "Is my silence bothering you tonight?"

I come clean...with him, there is no hiding, except that my heart is hidden deep so he can't see his name beating there.

"Yeah, for some reason, just tonight, I think it's because I haven't seen you in so long"

More silence, this time it doesn't bother me...he stays late as we listen to music and try to pen another song. Awkward, standing up, wanting to hug him, do something to let him know. I let him out and watch him drive away...

Friday night

I call him this time. We're going to conquer our fear of spiders tonight...he thinks I'm serious, I just mean go see that dumb "eight legged freaks" movie. Our friends cancel so it's just the two of us. Everything feels like it did before he left for all those trips, comfortable, I'm not nervous tonight...after all, I did call him this time. A few scares into the movie and I'm all curled up in my seat, slightly touching his arm, I jump again, he reaches over and puts his hand on my wrist, slides it back to his side of the armrest again. Movie is over, we get in the car, a mutual friend calls to see if we want to go skateboarding, he makes the decision that we don't (I always like it when he does that - getting off the phone and saying "I figured you weren't really up for that either"). This time is different when he drives me home. He parks and walks me to my door. I hug him goodnight and thank him for going with me, he thanks me for hanging out and I close the door and watch him drive away again.

But, I wish he had stayed, because I filled my night with someone else, someone who only made me wish I was with him...and that hollow feeling I got this morning when I woke up next to someone and it wasn't him...

Saturday morning

I almost called you this morning to tell you how badly I had hurt my heart last night, but, I can't tell you what words won't explain...