Today was a good day, and it was a bad day. I started
smoking cigarettes again, which is bad. I hadn't
smoked for almost 2 years, and then a couple weeks ago I started bumming
drags off of my friends
cigarettes. Then I stopped doing that, and hadn't had a breath of
tobacco smoke in a few weeks. Then today, I went to my physics class and remembered about the test that was due yesterday, that I'd forgotten about completely because I've been working all the time on my stoopid fucking computer science lab. Bastard amze solving. I hate my computer science class. Of course, there are probably other factors in forgetting about the test(
smoking lots of
pot comes to mind), but it's easier to blame computer science. The week had started on kind of a good note, since Monday was the first day that I didn't
smoke pot in weeks, but even not being stoned all the time has not helped me catch up on my work.
Anyhow, after a good solid 21 months of not smoking, I've started again, which is bad. I've already had 4 butts today, and it's not even night. And my maze-solving program doesn't seem any closer to running than it did yesterday.
Today had its good points too. For one, I
like smoking cigarettes. It does relax me and give me a chance to step back and enjoy something simple and basic. Even if I don't know what to do with the rest of my life, I know what to do with the cigarette in my hand. It's nice having two or three minutes here and there to stop and evaluate what condition my condition is in. And I got to
smoke a cigarette with my friend Carrie, who is really cool and awesome and always has a hug and manages to make me feel better no matter what. Carrie's really cool, and she's got lots of love to give, which is awesome.
It's been a good day and a bad day. I feel better, but I think the basic situation is unchanged. There's still too much, and I don't know what to do about it, and it's confusing and stressful and depressing. But, I feel like I'm going to pull through now at least.
If today had a smiley, it would be :-/.