Sanctioned silliness is the last bastion of the terminally insipid. Talking like a pirate is extremely funny – if done spontaneously, as a product of your own wit and imaginationonce. As a yearly tradition adopted by soulless cretins desperate to show how zany and interesting they are, it's a poisonous, misguided exhibition of terminal blandness. It is also an insult to real pirates.

Here's some friendly advice: just don't bother. You'll only confuse people. They're not going to change their minds about you anyway; you're incurably dull. There are, however, some alternatives if you're going to insist on making September 19th a special day.

Tell Everybody About How Much You Like Radiohead Day

Oh come on, you people all listen to Radiohead. It's personality in a package – it makes you look so deep! As an added bonus, if you talk to anybody with those thick-rimmed glasses about symbolism in Paranoid Android, they will want to sleep with you.

Wear a T-Shirt With A Swear Word On It Day

Ooh! Edgy!

Be Ironic Day

Write a biting column about how rubbish Talk Like A Pirate day is and post it on an Internet writing community, making sure to include a 'hilarious' meta-referential comment making light of your own personality defects... hey, WAIT A MINUTE!

Stop Trying To Be Clever For Once In Your Life, You Loathsome Bastard (Day)

You heard me.

Stick to wacky ties, yeah?

Previously deleted by a git.